Is there hope?

[Core]

I got destroyed, manipulated, fooled. W started a relationship talk tonight asking if she needed to get an attorney due to our earlier chat about money. I got blamed for all the problems in our marriage, I validated many but some were just untrue, I defended those, and was told my memory is incorrect.

You'd think I spent no time on this site or listened to any of you as I broke some rules. She asked why I thought OM was still in the picture and completely convinced me he's out of the picture. I mentioned something I saw on social media and it was downplayed to just a liked picture and that should be ok. I didn't share everything I know but she knows that one source I had. In amidst me feeling like we had a chance to turn things back, and my anxiety, I told her I cared about her, to share with me what I need to change and that Im working on me for me. How many rules broke already? I was convinced I was a monster, shes an innocent flower and not with OM. She asked me how long I want to last in limbo and I said years as we are married and are fixable. In the end before seeing R2Cs feedback above, I told her when she's ready to initiate mediation, I'll go.

I almost no longer care at this point. Have you been here too? The lies, manipulation, being told I'm an abuser (while legit counselor says I'm not), I'm ready to split if I have to. I still want to fix things as I know we can and for the kids but wow, just shameful how I got lost in the moment and how she took in no blame other than "I should've stood up for myself and left you sooner". A relative reminded me I'm not all the things I was told which I needed to hear. So for now, I'm going with the plan and have little to no care for the outcome. Thanks for reading.