She said during some small talk that her sister invited her camping next July, and that she couldn’t even think about what’s happening this Monday, let alone next July. Also misremembered something while we were chatting and corrected herself after saying she misremembered because of her “fog.”
Interesting term, misremembered. Even more interesting, it's due to her fog. I guess I'm in a fog, too. Mine is called forgetfulness.........old age....... loss of short term memory...........or......misremembered.
I want to go back to a post in your previous thread where we had been talking about tough love. I had asked how you pictured tough love, or what did it look like to you. You answered with the following:
Quote
I see tough love as treating as if I know she's having an A. It's about trying to regain her respect. I Agree that's not mean, angry etc., but I'd be a little bit less happy cashier.
Before getting further on the topic of tough love, let me try to make a correction in how you must have interpreted one of my analogies. You are a customer in a store, and you take your items to the checkout aisle. That's where the cashier will total your purchases. The cashier may say hello, ask if you found what you needed, and demonstrate politeness and cheerfulness while you make the business transaction. You, the customer, may return the same measure of cheerfulness & politeness. Depending on the time the transaction takes, you & the cashier might make polite small talk. Once the transaction is completed, you leave the store.......and the cashier greets the next customer. You do not hang around the store, casting longing glances toward the cashier. You don't ask the cashier nosy/personal questions. You don't try to get a little hug/kiss. A fairly healthy-minded customer would know the appropriate conduct to demonstrate during this small transaction. He would know the conversations and actions that would be unacceptable and/or inappropriate. He keeps it short, polite, impersonal, and strictly business.
So, back to the subject of tough love. I believe some people struggle with the term, tough love. I read one place that said tough love was a misnomer, and I have to agree. Maybe we should rename it.
To clarify what it's not: Tough love is not the renaming of abuse..........and abuse is not the definition of tough love.
(I meant to say more, but have to close for now.)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am in no way referring to abusive behavior as “tough love.” I guess I’m just thinking of being a little shorter and colder. I’ve decided to stick with friendly cashier banter. She seems a bit more relaxed around me of late. Still wondering how/if to address A issue with her, or just let it run its course.
It's a tough spot you are in right now. You're a pretty strong guy so try to muscle through the holidays and then revisit your strategy after the New Year.
I'm really sorry you are going through this right now.
Doing some tidying up around the house and cleaning up/sorting all sorts of paperwork etc. I came across an application my wife sent in to “My Lost Family.” If you’ve been following my sitch, you may recall she is adopted. It was heartbreaking to read the application. Things like, “I don’t know who I am.” and “I know nothing about my birth father.” Also found a letter from her birth mother, apologizing to W for not letting her contact her 3 half-siblings who as tracked down at end of last year.
No idea if this has anything to do with our current sitch, but I am gutted just reading this stuff. I can only imagine how W must feel.
Not sure why this guts you. We tell LBSs all the time that the stuff their WAS is going through has very little to do with them. This evidence proves that. This should make you understand that your W is going through things that are not related to her relationship with you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Doing some tidying up around the house and cleaning up/sorting all sorts of paperwork etc. I came across an application my wife sent in to “My Lost Family.” If you’ve been following my sitch, you may recall she is adopted. It was heartbreaking to read the application. Things like, “I don’t know who I am.” and “I know nothing about my birth father.” Also found a letter from her birth mother, apologizing to W for not letting her contact her 3 half-siblings who as tracked down at end of last year.
No idea if this has anything to do with our current sitch, but I am gutted just reading this stuff. I can only imagine how W must feel.
Hi WMLC. Hard not to have a reaction after reading that; you sympathized with how your W might feel. Only W really knows her sitch, or is struggling to figure things.
I still don't know much about my H MLC, other than he's lost & struggling with....? only he knows what, or is in search of answers. I do have sympathy for the mlc person I'm with, and he's told me it has nothing to do with me.
Hope you & your boys are well. College break coming up soon?
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Not too much to update. I have noticed W is at least a little bit more relaxed in my presence over the last 2-3 weeks. Light conversation, and she actually laughed today! Right after BD I got the feeling she was repulsed by my presence, even staying on the opposite side of the room as me. Lately, we have been standing physically closer to each other the last week or two. Just some observations.
S18 due home from college next week and he will have to be brought into loop re: W staying at friend's house each night. Also need to decide on Christmas schedule. My goal is to keep emotions out of it as these things unfold.
Tonight we attended S11 winter concert at school. It was the first time since BD we rode in the same car together. We watched the concert and there was plenty of small talk throughout. We came home and very briefly talked finances. She said she would have to sell the house because there was no way she could afford it “by herself.” I did not respond to her comment. She runs a biz out of the house, so we had discussed several weeks ago giving her house in a D.
Unfortunately, I don’t think she will hit rock bottom until I’m completely out of the picture. If you were to see us interact, you would not think a D was likely coming down the pike. It’s a bizarre place to be in, that’s for sure.
WMLC, limbo is always a bizarre place to be. The WAS cake-eats. Often times the LBS lets them in the spirit of trying to "nice" them back. The dynamic was the same in my limbo. Outside of our R talks, my W acted and behaved as if things were fine between us.
Also, flip-flopping on things like keeping the house vs. selling the house is common. This is no way is meant to make you start pursuing or get over hopeful, but the fact that the reality of finances is starting to settle in is a good thing.
As far as if or when she'll hit rock bottom....don't dwell on it. Just keep DBing and let the chips fall where they may.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
