I have no plan, ...Or am i supposed to let this EA continue for weeks, months, years until she makes a move?
You need to come up with a plan. The plan should revolve around you. How you behave. How you interact with her. What you will and will not tolerate. Setting and enforcing boundaries.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ok plan time...feedback is wanted and appreciated. I told W I questioned why she wanted a phone and advised where I saw her ask about phones so she may now know how I know shes still having and EA (multiple account on social media one following OM) so they may go deeper. With how defensive she was, she is definitely pursuing OM.
I continue to take MBR Continue to 180 Continue to work out, read, talk to friends, go to church and meet family for coffee Continue to focus on kids at home Unknown...xmas is in the air, my family doesnt want her over Continue counseling for anxiety, OCD Reassess where i am in two months time after standing for marriage for 4 months If there is no improvement or so long as there are no financial hits from W before then, I ask her to initiate mediation so I keep my moral boundaries intact I stop selling personal belongings for family income Cancel services I dont want to pay for anymore Move direct deposit to my personal account Stop initiating any chats with W If she initiates, I act pleasant, confident but dont dig for detail No snooping, I already know the answer and how I will feel when finding "answers" Pray for myself and the kids to have a positive outcome Work on not rushing to conclusions, W did not buy a phone and is now aware I am suspicious of her, though her reaction proved why I had suspicions Understand I'm not the victim, nor fully to blame. She is responsible for being unfaithful to me and her god Continue occasional family nights so the kids can have resemblance of security for as long as possible. Do not let hate replace the former love in my heart No more tears for this W, only for what was lost, for the kids, for my dreams Read rest of DR. I've nowhere to hide it so stuck reading in libraries Walk tall, exude confidence, validate, come here or to a friend when anxiety takes over
Sound good? What else? There is no kicking of either party out of the house. Just no way about it. I have to face the sin and facade daily. It'll just make me stronger and the kids will have stability, healthier food and a safe home.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I ask her to initiate mediation so I keep my moral boundaries intact
Do not put any power into her hands. When YOU decided you want mediation, you initiate. Worry about this later.
Originally Posted by Core
I continue to take MBR
Personally, I believe you should sleep in the biggest room in the nicest bed EVERY NIGHT. D4 should be in the other room. S1 should be in your room until a certain age. Do some research into this. Lean on the experts.
Let W choose where she sleeps.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I got destroyed, manipulated, fooled. W started a relationship talk tonight asking if she needed to get an attorney due to our earlier chat about money. I got blamed for all the problems in our marriage, I validated many but some were just untrue, I defended those, and was told my memory is incorrect.
You'd think I spent no time on this site or listened to any of you as I broke some rules. She asked why I thought OM was still in the picture and completely convinced me he's out of the picture. I mentioned something I saw on social media and it was downplayed to just a liked picture and that should be ok. I didn't share everything I know but she knows that one source I had. In amidst me feeling like we had a chance to turn things back, and my anxiety, I told her I cared about her, to share with me what I need to change and that Im working on me for me. How many rules broke already? I was convinced I was a monster, shes an innocent flower and not with OM. She asked me how long I want to last in limbo and I said years as we are married and are fixable. In the end before seeing R2Cs feedback above, I told her when she's ready to initiate mediation, I'll go.
I almost no longer care at this point. Have you been here too? The lies, manipulation, being told I'm an abuser (while legit counselor says I'm not), I'm ready to split if I have to. I still want to fix things as I know we can and for the kids but wow, just shameful how I got lost in the moment and how she took in no blame other than "I should've stood up for myself and left you sooner". A relative reminded me I'm not all the things I was told which I needed to hear. So for now, I'm going with the plan and have little to no care for the outcome. Thanks for reading.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
WASs will almost always gaslight you when confronted. That is why we say avoid R talks like the plague, and only listen and validate if you get caught in one. And make an escape as soon as you can.
Core, you seem impulsive. Impulsiveness will kill you. Likely you engaged with her in the R talk because you still feel you can say just the right thing to convince her. Or if you defend yourself she will see the light. You can't. She won't.
The bigger problem is why you are around her too much. I'll repeat: the LBSs that struggle the most do GAL the worst.
GAL like a madman. You'll look back later and realize that it was the best thing you can do.
Last edited by Steve85; 12/09/1903:24 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I almost no longer care at this point. Have you been here too? The lies, manipulation, being told I'm an abuser (while legit counselor says I'm not), I'm ready to split if I have to. I still want to fix things as I know we can and for the kids but wow, just shameful how I got lost in the moment and how she took in no blame other than "I should've stood up for myself and left you sooner". A relative reminded me I'm not all the things I was told which I needed to hear. So for now, I'm going with the plan and have little to no care for the outcome. Thanks for reading.
Core ~
How high is your anxiety?
I have generalized anxiety. One thing I've learned is to recognize when my anxiety is high, and make no decisions about what I will say or do until that anxiety has reduced. I've avoided countless gut punch R talks in the process.
Core, you're trying to fool yourself suggesting you no longer care. Come on. Steve85 made a great point about your impulsiveness so please listen and try to learn not to react to your emotions. Let them sit.
You really do need to get out of the house when she's around.
Learn from these mistakes and move forward.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
WASs will almost always gaslight you when confronted. That is why we say avoid R talks like the plague, and only listen and validate if you get caught in one. And make an escape as soon as you can.
Core, you seem impulsive. Impulsiveness will kill you. Likely you engaged with her in the R talk because you still feel you can say just the right thing to convince her. Or if you defend yourself she will see the light. You can't. She won't.
The bigger problem is why you are around her too much. I'll repeat: the LBSs that struggle the most do GAL the worst.
GAL like a madman. You'll look back later and realize that it was the best thing you can do.
That was intense gaslighting last night. She told me I can send her some promarriage links though it won't change anything so I did. Haven't seen an outcome or reaction yet. I am definitely impulsive, I used to think women found it attractive and built on it. Now I know its mostly anxiety. U, to answer your question, my anxiety is through the roof.
I agree, I'm around her too much, that's where I'm stuck/trapped. She rarely goes out, so if I want daily time with the kids and dont want to leave all household burdens on her, I end up being around her. In her eyes though if I'm not around, there isn't much to miss anyway.
Anxiety already kicking in to see how she reacts to the sites I asked her to check out. Which hopefully is my last DB mistake.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Steve85, I hear you. The thing is nothing else is having any affect 2-3 months in. It did go as well as expected, making her mad. Which I get.
Still going down the path of letting her go, and thinking those links were my last resort. She is free to start mediation. I haven't news on that end. I helped our toddler, baby in their morning routine, watched W play with them, all having a good time. Hows a man supposed to let this all go without fighting to the bone to protect it.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
