On a day to day basis my life is good. I take my kids everywhere (I have joined the taxi services' mum :-)), I have a job that i like and I go out with friends but there are days like today when for an insignificant thing I can't stop crying. All this because of word that ex has used with one of his texts.
He texted earlier to see if I wouldn't mind swapping weekends. On the principle i don't mind because it's good that he is spending more time with his children than he ever did when we were together. What sent me in this frenzy of crying is the fact he has used the word WE (meaning him and his fiancee). It really breaks my heart because he is doing all those things with her and our kids when we were together he was working all the time. I understand that people change but I was always asking for us to do things as a family (but never succeeded because he had to work) and now he is playing happy family with someone else.
I can't speak to my friends about it because their reactions is that because it has been nearly 5 years I should move on. How can I move on when I have to regularly chase him for payment, when my kids come home every week saying that they have done that great things with him and her. I don't have hard feelings for her (as she isn't the reason why we are divorced) and i even allow her to regularly pick up the kids, but I don't understand why a man who cheated on me then on the girl he cheated me with is allowed to be happy. His fiancee has a good influence on him and I can see that it's benefiting our children as he is more there.
I'm so jealous of this as it is all i ever wanted from him: not any fancy cars, beautiful house. I just wanted him to behave like a proper dad (like I knew he could be). I keep wandering what is wrong with me. I have been on few dates and I know that I am a good person but why is it so hard for me when it is so easy for ex.
I don't ask for a lot. I am independent. I have a good job. I take care of my kids on a day-to-day basis (while ex only had them one night a week and every other weekend) and i'm smart and intelligent, so why i am struggling? As I take kids to clubs/activities every night (apart his) at the weekend I want to have a rest and at time not do much but i feel i have to do things with the kids because they keep asking me to do stuff. Ex is mortgage free now and has two incomes in his household. I can't compete with what they do/ buy for the kids. also why should I compete with them.
I'm 5 years down the line and struggling being a single mother and I have no family to rely on. I can't be a super mum all the time and now I have the kids telling me that they don't want me to date (mind you no problem with this;-) but are ok that their dad is getting married again.
I am really lost and don't know what to do. I HAVE LOST FAITH that one day I will be happy again (i have amazing friend who have been single for nearly two decades and they are serial daters but they don't have anyone to come home to). I do know that if ex had done the right thing and left me before engaging in extramarital relations I wouldn't be feeling like this now. I can't let go of the humiliation and the unfairness that now he is the man I always thought he could be but with someone else and he is happy. What is wrong with me? His new woman is an upgrade from me but the difference is that she has no young children to care for, so she can focus on ex. I couldn't because i had two toddlers and he was working all the time. I have to admit that after a day's work, then taking kids to clubs after school, going home, preparing tea, taking the dog for a walk and to do some work by the time the kids were in bed I had no energy for my relationship. SO I see what i did wrong but i'm not a bad person and I fell into depression because I was doing too much on my own.
Why people who failed to behave decently deserve to be happy?
Rant over but I feel so much better for letting this out. Thank you for reading.
