Thanks, you guys. From the bottom of my heart. Your kudos and validation help me keep my head held high.
My solo weekend is nearly over. I managed to fit in an impromptu visit with my grandma amongst all the other appointments and activities, which was lovely. Stepdad and I hung wallpaper and shelving that I immediately filled with artwork and plants. We had a great chat about infidelity, forgiveness, revenge, and other juicy concepts. His first wife left him for one of their friends, so he has been through all this stuff too, and has good perspective now ten years out. I’ve also prepared a draft review of my consent orders ready to scan at work tomorrow and send back to my lawyer.
I’m going to record another memory while I wait for S to return. Part of my memoirs, if you will. This one is the incident that happened a week before BD involving the iron.
I had gone to the doctor to get medication for anxiety. H knew I was going to the doctor and didn’t ask me what my appointment was for, so I didn't tell him. I started the meds on a Thursday and had a horrible reaction to the side effects. I had to call my mother to pick me up from a random train station I had collapsed at after getting off the train to work vomiting everywhere.
When H came home from work and found me sick in bed, he was angry and said I'd betrayed his trust by not involving him in this decision. I said he had been so irritable and uninterested in my mental health struggles that I didn’t want to involve him. He shrugged that off and insisted I continue taking the meds otherwise I’d have withdrawal symptoms and be even sicker. This was not out of concern for my health, though - we had his best friend's wedding to go to that weekend and he said I would ruin the wedding for him.
H was in the wedding party and was busy with pre-wedding events and parties in the lead up while I took care of our child and tried to deal with my illness. He had spent $800 on a custom suit (when the groom had given them the option to buy a $200 suit off the rack). I was unhappy with this. I had been waiting four years to purchase a new dining setting for the family home but it was never a priority, and it was to come out of my personal spending account, not the shared family account. So I took issue with this purchase; I felt it was extreme. He countered with the fact I had recently spent the same amount on our baby’s first birthday photos and family photos, ie. that was ‘my thing’ and the suit was ‘his thing’.
The wedding was outdoors in the sun. I was uncomfortable in my heels and squinting into the sun, so I guess I gave off some kind of bad vibe. I met up with him after the ceremony and the first thing he said to me was "you looked so snooty that whole time". I was shocked and hurt. He disappeared for the bridal party photoshoot and sat at the bridal table during the reception, so we didn't spend any time together. I didn’t know anyone except one of H’s friends, and he’s not a big talker. H was busy getting drunk and dancing with the bridal party and I was feeling sick, lethargic and lonely at my table. I ended up getting a ride home early with the friend, so I went up to H and told him I didn't feel well and didn't want to be a burden on him when he was having a good time. He just said “okay” and I left.
I didn’t hear from H until 2pm the next day. He didn’t say where he’d stayed, just that he had gotten blackout drunk and couldn’t remember much. He came home that afternoon with one of the bridesmaids bouquets as a gift for me.
The next day, Monday, I had a job interview and needed to iron my dress. H had taken the iron to his friend's place for the wedding and hadn't brought it home. I was annoyed about this, and he got defensive saying that I never even use the iron. He asked "what would make you happy?" and I replied "if the iron was here". He got really angry, saying that everything was always his fault, and that he was DONE. He stormed out and lay face down on the lounge. I went to him crying and asked why he was always so hostile towards me. He gave me the silent treatment while I went to hug my baby goodbye so I could get to work on time for my interview. I couldn’t find my keys and was about to miss my train, and that was the final straw that caused me to have a panic attack. Finally, H got up to hug me and tell me it was okay, we'd work this out together.
His behaviour towards me completely changed from then on. He was reserved, withdrawn, polite, and unreadable. It sounds silly, but he started using full stops in text messages. It was weird and cold. I thought he just needed space, so I was lighthearted and cheerful around him, but didn’t pry. I didn’t question when he went out with friends after work, and when he didn’t come home one night. We had more sex whenever he was around. He went to pick up the iron from his newly married friend, and I asked him to apologise for me being so out of sorts at the wedding. He told me not to worry about it.
A week later, BD.
Later, the topic of the wedding came up. He told me he felt so much disdain looking at me sitting at the table all by myself like a sad sack. He said I wasn’t the wife I was supposed to be, the wife he deserved. He told me he was so upset by my behaviour that he had to get blackout drunk just to feel better. I said I had a different memory of that evening, and reminded him that he never called to check I had got home safely, or asked whether I felt alright the next day. He got angry and said so it’s just another thing that’s my fault. I said no, it’s just my perspective.
I asked him to keep my mental illness in context, and he said he didn’t want to deal with a wife with mental illness anymore. He said I didn’t listen to him about the medication withdrawal effects and I should have started them after the wedding so it wasn’t ruined. I said that I had the right to manage my own mental health and that a wedding wasn’t too important to me when I was dealing with suicidal thoughts, struggling with work, and trying to parent a baby. Again, I reassured him that this was just my thoughts, and that he was entitled to his own thoughts. He calmed down after that.
