Gerda, Happy Birthday!!!!

About your D, I have mentioned that I don't ask my son anything about dad or try to talk to him about visits with dad. He comes back feeling protective of dad and quiet. I think at some level he may feel that he betrayed me or something and feel bad about that. I just let him be and stay out of his way. Within a day or two he starts opening up and sharing things spontaneously. If it becomes clear he wants to talk about something, we do. If not, we don't. With mine, I know the visitations won't last long before he takes off again, so I just let it go.

Yours will probably stick around and this will be an ongoing thing. Probably good for you to reach some kind of script for how you handle this now so you don't have to keep dealing with your feelings. Remember that you and your D are different people and how you felt is not the same. She has had different life experiences.

Just focus on your side, and being the best mom you can when the kids are with you. They learn from seeing you. They learn from watching you. That also includes the times you are stressed and tense. Try to be the soft place for them, but set firm boundaries because kids like and need structure. It will work out. Just a day at a time.