Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[HaWho]

Gerda - the therapist I saw told me it would take a full year for my kids to begin to settle after my ex moved out. They were 14 and 12 at the time. There was lots of acting out. And I did have to DB my older one a few weeks ago and that really changed the dynamic is in our r for the better.

For a solid year, every time they returned to my home they were extremely argumentative (older son) and withdrawn (younger son). My therapist warned me they would act out to the parent who was “safe.” My therapist met my ex and actually told me I would be dealing with the adjustment issues from the kids as my ex would not “allow” expression of emotion. When he told them about the D, he immediately said “think about how you want to react to this because you will be men someday.” Talk about an a$$ who is emotionally constipated!!!!

KML said the same: kids will act out where they feel safe doing so. Wear it as a badge! The transitions back and forth are hard on them.

This is not really about you. You may feel good mothering in that way but it may be too much after transitioning to another house and maybe being in an environment where she had to be buttoned up. In my opinion, your goal is to welcome her home, tell her you missed her and love her and then say: “what can I do for you?” Then just validate and honor it.

This may even be too much upon arriving home! For many months, all I could say when my kids came home was “hi” because anything more ignited a battle. You may, eventually, want to express that you are trying to help her cope with the transitions. “I am here to help you in any way I can;” whether that be spending time with you, giving you space; making you some comfort foods, etc.). We need to accept their irritability unconditionally at this point and show unconditional love while respecting the way they cope.

Don’t get wrapped up in what that they parrot back from your ex or your fears on how they view you. Show them through your actions who you really are and they will see this in a year or so when the behavior is consistent...