H messaged me last week that he would like to meet. That he did not have an agenda, but would like to meet anyway.
Today was the day. We met at a restaurant.
I was determined to let him drive the conversation. We were silent for a few moments when I sat down, so I decided to share with him a bit about D20 sitch. I had previously told him I would if we ever met, as it was too complicated and important to discuss in an e-mail.
I am not sure how much he was able to comprehend how serious her sitch is right now. But, how he handles it, and what he chooses to believe is on him. I have no control over that. I did share a bit about how she and I were working out our own relationship, and that I was going to go to a counseling session with her.
There was some chit chat, a few tears (him), a lot of avoidance of the eyes (him), and some sharing of a few profound things.
He asked how I was doing. I said very well, that I have a full, joyful life. The truth.
He shared he was depressed. More justifications for why he did what he did. He told me that this was all his fault, and not mine at all. I said nothing about that.
He said he was going to find a counselor.
Wow. First time he said that. I shared with him a bit that I truly wanted him to be healthy and happy. That if he was in the same place he was for the last past year and more (his words), wasn’t it time he considered making a decision to change that if he didn’t like it? He nodded his head yes.
I asked him a bit about life with OW – was he satisfied with his life. (can’t remember the exact words). He said he didn’t want to talk bad about her, but that as long as he did what she said and wanted, she was fine. That he has made no commitments to her (I politely disagreed because a property is a commitment), and I said I didn’t think that was a good way to live. He didn’t verbally say it, but a slight nod of the head said he thought so too.
He said he didn’t want me to think that he was trying to draw me in. I told him that I am strong, and in a good place, and that my decisions will be what is best for me.
I did tell him that I suport whatever he chooses to do to help heal and get in a better place, that counseling was a good idea, and I reiterated that I just want him to be happy. He mentioned the continuing strong urge to flee, but I just said that he can’t flee from himself. He agreed.
At the end, I asked him a blunt question.
Me: Do you want a divorce?
H: Long pause. No, not really.
Me: Why?
H: I don’t think our story is over yet.
M: I don’t think our story is over yet either, but I have no idea what that means. You have never once, in over a year, said those words or shown any action to support it.
H mentioned several times that he didn't want me to think he was trying to draw me in. I find that a bit interesting. That is probably exactly what he is trying to do, even subconsciously, to keep me on the hook.
It won't work.
As we left, H asked for permission to hug me. He said that he wanted to continue the dialogue (not his words exactly, but you get the gist).
I said that was totally up to him, that he will have to initiate it if and when he wants. He said he understood.
I hadn’t seen H in about 4 months.
I wasn’t even nervous going to the meeting.
I’m in a good place.
I will continue with the marriage settlement agreement and D.
But right now it’s time to prepare for a Christmas cookie exchange party.
