You may not be trying to control your children, but is it possible that you hover too much? Maybe, they feel a bit smothered by your caring and wanting to be with them. Db them a little bit, step back a bit and allow them to come to you. Just as adults, kids need a little bit of space too. Your children aren't little tots any longer. They are growing up and yes, they too need to practice spreading their wings.
Maybe she heard something at your h's place or it could be that she's comparing her home situation w/that of others from her class. It could be that she comes home and compares the way that she is treated over at h's place and then when she returns home you hover a bit more than what she's experienced at the other place.
Do your children go to visit their classmates or have them come home and play w/them? The reason I am asking is that I don't think I have read that they do this, but you do mention visiting family and your friends once in a while.
Give them a bit of space, allow them to come to you and listen to what they are telling you. If they are telling you something that you do or don't do, maybe it's time to look deep within to see if there is any truth to what they've stated. If there is, then it might be time to dig deeper for patience and make some changes that will allow all of you to live more comfortably under the same roof.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
