My W recently raised concerns about S7 and wanting him to see somebody. Well actually... I initially raised the concern, and she seemed to latch on because she thinks his issues are my fault (she stated this clearly in our last MC). Which has me worried...
I would hope that child counselors are really good at figuring out when parents are having the problems and not the kids. My guess is some are, and some are not. I would guess your STBXW is not trying to sabotage things... she is emotional and worried and has her anxieties. I would worry more about the subtle messaging. For instance, my S7 has a GPS-tracker phone watch that my W wants him to wear when he is with me. I ask that he also wears it with her -- not because I really want him to (I would throw the watch in the garbage if I could), but because I don't want him receiving the subtle message that I am unsafe. In similar fashion, my W regularly wants me to update her what I am doing with the kids. I find this intrusive, and also another subtle message to the kids.
In short, I worry about the subtle messages my STBXW is communicating. The problem is... I don't think you can really control this. Maybe D4 goes to see somebody, and that person talks to both you and STBXW, and that person decides the separation anxiety issue is STBXW's. Do you think STBXW would be receptive to that feedback? My guess is probably not.
My sense is that things are still very raw between you and your STBXW. In my sitch, I hope when things thaw a bit that we do go to some family counseling to make sure the kids are doing okay. I hope my STBXW and I can get along at that level. But I would not go today, because there would be accusations of unfairness and poor parenting, etc.
Sorry for the long-winded answer. It sounds like you are doing the right thing. Stay the course. Keep learning how to be a better parent -- I also bought a bunch of books and even took a parenting class offered at a deep discount by my county. Validate your W's feelings, and then respectfully state your opinion. Share what you see with D4. Acknowledge her concerns without necessarily agreeing. It's going to take some time and work on your part as well but hopefully things thaw between you and STBXW as you both start to trust each other a little more. I am confident you can do this. Six months ago my W was afraid to let me have the kids overnight at all - she thought I was violent and unsafe and abusive. Today I am close to 50/50. It was a hellish experience and I had to do a ton of validation and tiptoeing and not reacting to what seemed like completely irrational and crazy accusations. And it was all worth it. Still a work in progress.
Also... I would absolutely agree that you should not be okay with STBXW and D4 going on their own to counseling.
So basically, understand this is a huge adjustment for everyone involved, and things will more than likely settle down a bit. If you think STBXW has valid concerns about D4, by all means go get help for D4. That is more important than anything.
