Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Gerda]

I guess this is journaling --

I am trying to sit with a feeling, as per the book I keep mentioning.

The feeling is --

D10 always comes back from a night or even an afternoon with H a little weird and a little mean to me, like she doesn't trust me anymore. It is so awful. Takes a couple days to go back to normal. Today I was determined to just be funny and fun when she got home and then I let her watch a show she likes. After a little while I came in to sit with her and watch it for a moment because I had done that this morning with S14 after he was a little grouchy with me and was surprised at how it made him light up and tell me all about the show and then come in later to tell me what happened next.

So anyway I did this with D10 and she physically pushed me away, trying to push me out of the room and saying, "You can go now." And I said, "Why? I thought you would like it if I watched a show with you, I did that with S14 this morning." And she said, "Because you are always on top of me and always trying to control me," and then looked really sheepish and confused. I knew where that came from and I froze for a moment, hit by those awful feelings. We LBSers always have to have so much clarity in these moments and I had none. But finally I said, "You think so? Who told you that?" And she looked really confused, like she wanted to tell me the truth but then she got a mean look on her face and said, "It's because you are." I didn't want to say anything about her dad so I forced myself to get up and leave the room.

I am trying to see my feelings/fears clearly as part of this process of learning to see them and then letting them go. I have a fear that she won't love me anymore or that H will get in the way of us being close.

-- I have a fear for her that she will inherit the confusion that plagues me when someone is trying to manipulate me and I can't remember the truth -- this was what happened with my mother all my life and finally when I was in my late teens I had to start being very cold around her most of the time in order to keep a clear head. And it is something that many on these boards have remarked upon about me, how confused I get in that context about things that are obvious.
--I am afraid that my D will see me (and hate me!) the way I saw (and hated) my mom, and that it will take many years for her to understand what really happened here. I fantasize about telling her more of the details just to "win" her over! (But don't worry, I don't do that.)
-- I even noticed I was afraid of a future D15 announcing she would live with her dad!

Wow, what a lot of fears and feelings of betrayal. Quite an old and murky swamp in Gerda's heart and mind.