I also found a picture of W and OM mixed in our xmas decorations, hidden right under our wedding pictures. Feels so cold, hurtful and I may be overthinking it but it seems purposeful, like maybe she wants me to confront the issue again or see if I get jealous/stand up. As what helped get us to this point...I cant read her mind. Its weird as she hasn't initiated one R chat since BD.
Core ~
I will let the other vets comment on handling OM situations.
Two comments:
1. Your W is building a rocket ship to exit the Earth's atmosphere (i.e., your MR). She wants to absolutely guarantee she has enough fuel to make it. ANYTHING you say or do will be twisted, distorted, reframed, etc. to generate fuel. There's a lot of other planets and stars out there and all she knows is she wants off Earth. It's all noise. This is why you detach -- ignore her reactions, because almost anything you do or say that does not demonstrate detachment will be extra fuel.
You live together and have kids. There are constantly situations which she can use to create fuel. You can't control it. That is hard.
You can't control whether she launches the rocket.
There are things you can control: You.
- Don't make a decision based on how you think she will react. - Don't make a decision because you are frustrated or angry or think she isn't being fair. - DO make decisions that you feel confident about regardless of all the noise and fog surrounding you.
2. Think of all the "accidental" journal and picture findings and barbed comments as bait. Your W is baiting you. The more you react, the more you are taking the bait. You take the bait, you have a negative interaction... she just increased her fuel supply.
Of course there are situations that arise that you do need to address. I would bet more often than not the right approach is not to take the bait. The picture of W and OM is bait. Don't bite.
