This OW/OM topic is very interesting. When I was dealing with this and so very angry because of what I found out, the Lord took me to the Bible Story about the adultress that everyone wanted to stone because they caught her at it.
The Lord asked me if I remembered what his response was? I said yes and he asked me then who threw the first stone? I said no one and he said why. I said because none of them could say that they were without sin. He said I am finished.
I thought great I've just started. So yes, there are many emotions that go through a person when you find out things like this. It is very hard and very difficult process to get through. Do you know why the Lord asks you to pray for the OW/OM? Because you know what they are doing and you know what to pray for. You also pray for them because then the Lord can help to heal you and make you stronger.
It is a very difficult thing to deal with for the person who it is done to and for the people who are in the act of it. It just takes time to get through it and to get past the pain that you feel as it takes them the time to get past the guilt.
See sometimes we are so caught up in our own pain and hurt that we forget that they are now emotionally connected as you might call it. They are feeling things that are very hard to admit that they could have for someone else. I think that is a very hard thing to have to truly look at. I think that it is easier to believe that they were taken over and dragged into something and had no idea what they were really doing instead of thinking that they made the choice to do exactly what they did.
Everyone has to work through this in their own way, but also has to remember that the OW/OM is still a person that the Lord created that right now is not following the Lord, but following Satan.
We have crisscrossed our paths around this forum into a intricate web. I've stuck my head over here quite a bit, but not often enough to keep up in a timely fashion with the activity your threads generate, but often enough to gain a sense of familarity with you and your journey.
I will repeat here what you posted to me in that ... I don't have any advise to offer, but just want to say ... I wholly admire your fortitude to champion in its entirety, all that you believe is important to you ... your persona and your aspired sense of growth ... your ever-vigilant attention to your endearing daughters' best interest ... and even to spare Mr. Wonderful lost soul ... in a way that is an true inspiration to us all here.
Thank you for your recent visit to my thread and the kind words ... and for even teaching this "old" dog some new tricks. I don't know why I don't take to dropping by to just as hi, but I gonna have to start!
My heart goes out to you ... my thoughts are with you ...
Hi Betsey - Just wondering, does Mr W know just how many people here are holding our collective breaths for his reply I'm continuing to include you in my prayers for strength.
And now to jump into the OP pool. What I think and feel about OW is such a tough one. While I would like to hate her, it was clear to me that it was my H who had decided to pursue this relationship. No matter what she did, or does, without H's consent, the A would not have occured. By having ANY emotions at all about OW, I am really wasting time, and energy. This was a very difficult 'growing-up' moment for me. So, today, I keep trying to have NO feelings about OW, not anger, certainly not the need to forgive her. In her words to me, she is a consenting adult, and therefore is capable of figuring out her rights and wrongs. I want no relationship with her, in reality, in my mind or my heart.
On the subject of the spouse being led astray by the evil OP, here's a story I read ages ago.
A writer was asked in an interview if she didn't feel angry at the woman who had stolen her husband, and she replied -
"Stolen? What? Is my husband a piece of candy, to be stolen????"
That always cracked me up, her forthright answer, and I know it is utterly true.
In my case though, OW no.1 was my friend, and I have to say that people do not do this to their friends (umm .....yes they do!!!) I once, and only once, rang her up and told her she was the friend from hell, and that she and H could rot there for all I cared. She started to tell me that she would not accept any responsibility for the breakdown of my marriage, but she sure as hell was NOT a friend to our marriage in any way, shape or form. And a friend does not pull/guide/tempt people out of their marriage with another and into a R with them instead.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: No matter what she did, or does, without H's consent, the A would not have occured. By having ANY emotions at all about OW, I am really wasting time, and energy. This was a very difficult 'growing-up' moment for me. So, today, I keep trying to have NO feelings about OW, not anger, certainly not the need to forgive her. In her words to me, she is a consenting adult, and therefore is capable of figuring out her rights and wrongs. I want no relationship with her, in reality, in my mind or my heart.
Slowly, I think you are right there. Neither hatred, nor forgiveness, just nothing. Excellent!
I think I would only ever think about 'forgiving' OW no.1 (my ex friend) if she were to come to me with a genuine apology, but I don't see that happening any time soon. Anyone heard of that happening? Otherwise, better not to WASTE energy and time on even thinking about her.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Just wanted to say hello, hope all is going well your end, and you know yourself you will be OK whatever happens.
Sometimes I comfort myself with the thought that I do know people who have had much better marriages the second time around. So if after trying courageously for a long time to affect a healing in our marriages, and phenomenal personal growth, we STILL have to face up to the possiblity of a divorce, then it is NOT the end of the world either.
Something VERY GOOD is waiting for you around the corner. And whatever it is you will be FULLY PREPARED to embrace it.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Thank you so much for the honest and forthright post. It's so important for me to remember the pain and fear and longing of the other side...particularly when I get stuck in my own pain and fear and longing
As for my own sitch...ow was in our social circle and made overt efforts to BECOME my friend, to BECOME closer to me the whole time she was involved with my h. It would have been easy for me (and at times it felt OH SO SATISFYING) to have blown up her whole world after finding out...but I didn't. Nothing particularly noble about that and I don't feel particularly smug about it either...it was partly selfish (the whole karma thing), partly out of consideration to my h, and partly a by-product of a lot of work I've tried to do on developing compassion and forgiveness. In some ways, ow has become my "lesson" -- I could see and appreciate the work and effort and all that h put in for us to recover ...I still battle feelings at times that ow got away scott free but I'm sure that's not true, either.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I have the same sitch as slowly, My W pursued the OM. I have no harsh feelings for OM. I don't respect him because of what he did to his W and my family. However, I have compassion for him because one day he will get caught and loose his family. I wouldn't wish the pain of the LBS on my worst enemy. I've been through this twice and I thought I would be tougher this time, but it hurts more this time because I love her more.
RJ, follow your heart. You have a loving and caring heart and if you listen to it, I know you will do the right thing.
I'm continuing to include you in my prayers for strength.
