I would recommend it purely because unlike the advice you receive here, their advice will not be filtered through the lense of personal experience that we provide as well as where we are at in our own sitches. Plus, a phone conversation can be much more open and honest than typing on forum.
Originally Posted by Paco_19
She keeps blaming me, she sounds angry all the time on the phone and keeps saying she has nothing to talk to me even when I call to schedule picking up the children
Firstly, do not call. Email or message. Both your emotions are too high. It is easier to provide a structured argument and be detached using written communication.
Secondly, she will blame you for everything because right now she has to. Otherwise she has blown up your lives for nothing, or even worse, she has to look in the mirror and realise that at least half of this is her fault. Read the validation thread if you want some strategies on how to deal with this.
Originally Posted by Paco_19
I genuinely believe I can change and so our relationship so hopefully in the future we can have a chance.
You can change. That is within your control. Whether you have a future is outside your control. You say you are a workaholic (so am I by the way) and you feel that you neglected the marriage, then that is something that you can change. Do things that do not have to do with work. Find pleasure in it. Reawaken that part of you that gets excited about things. I have rediscovered a love of photography. A love of spirituality. This has nothing to do with my H. . If you do not R then you will have developed a passion for life that you did not have before. If you do R, then you can share this new found passion with her.
What is not in your control is whether you R or not. Work on the assumption that you will not - that doesn't mean jumping into another R. Like I said before I am two years down and I am no closer to R then when I started. But we are in a good place and I am content with my life. That has a lot more to do with the kind of man my H is than anything I have or haven't done. He will not admit he has made a mistake. He will not put our children through a potential reconciliation if there is any chance that he will have to put them through a breakup again. Live your life Paco. She will notice (even if she pretends not to) and she will either want you back or she won't.
Re the children and her 'sticking to the separation agreement'. I do not know the legalities around this in the EU. In the UK a separation agreement is always subject to change if there is a change in circumstances, for example, if your work situation changes and you are able to see the children more. Speak to a solicitor, see if there is any room to move. The other aspect you need to consider (and again not sure what the sitch is in the EU) is that in the UK the routine you establish during the separation is considered if/when you get divorced. It becomes the status quo, and the courts aim to maintain the status quo to minimise the impact on children once following a divorce. If there is anything you are uncomfortable with in terms of the separation agreement, speak to a solicitor now about getting it changed.
Some notes:
- keep all correspondence where you requested to see the children especially those where you weren't able to - keep records of all the days you do see the children
in fact keep records of everything. As mercenary as it sounds, this is where the friendly 'colleague' thing is important. Never let your emotions get the better of you in writing. Keep your cool. Never swear, never accuse. Request politely. Say thank you whether she says yes you can see the children or no you can't see the children.
Yes - this is the hardest thing you will ever do. You have to keep your emotions in check (or at least cry in the privacy of your own bedroom) and maintain the higher ground at all times. This is why journalling is so important. You can rant to your hearts content, be as irrational as you like, and still those who read will not judge, because we have been where you are.
I cannot emphasize enough how important it is that you be there as much as you can for the children. There are only so many years that a parent is the center of their childrens lives. Be a part of it. You are in Madrid . Msg her with days you want to see the children. Be reasonably forceful. "I understand it is not in our agreement, but I would like to see the children. I am around all month and can make myself available whenever it suits. Let me know what days it would be good for me to take them out ". Make it clear she does not need to be there, in fact make it clear you don't want her there.
