Friends: Season 3--Expanding and thriving

[Briget]

Hi all,

I have weighted this in my mind.I let it roll around in my head. And have given it much thought.

As a left behind spouse I have strong feelings of anger towards my spouse naturally.He is the one who decided to go somewhere to get his needs met.Needs I was more than willing to meet.But was never given the chance.Not even asked.I'm working on forgiveness but I'm not there yet.I'm not sure I will ever be there completety.I'm a work in progress.

And as the wife of the man this woman is having an affair with I have so much anger towards her.Lets say you go out tonight and you left your front door unlocked and someone saw this weakness in your security system and walked right in and stole everything you held dear.While you shoudn't have left the door unlocked it still wasn't an ivitation to come on in a help themselves to what was yours.My marriage was mine and my husbands.Not this stranger.She has no right to be in it.

And I can say yes I do know what I would have done if it was me. I hold myself up to a very high standard.I know for a fact I would not do this.Maybe it was the way I was raised.Or it could be I'm a feminist and I believe we woman should help each other not hurt each other.I believe if I were to sleep with anothers husband I would be betrying my gender.I don't care what she is feeling.She has loose standard.I have never slept with a married man.And I never will.

And as the wife of the man who is having an affair I'm trying very hard to put myself in his shoes.But the fact of the matter I still have a hard time understanding the affair.And while I understand having needs and wanting to get them filled.I don't understand leaving my children under any circumstances for another.Breaking my spouses heart or hurting my children.I can understand the sneaking around filling carnal needs.But to willfully destroy my family.Maybe it is my mother instints.Or maybe I'm more sane than my husband.Maybe it is a weakness in him.I don't know.I have such a hard time wrapping my mind around this.It could be I'm not ready to deal with it.

I think anger has to dissipate before I can be compassionate towards her.I know right know I can not be.

Right now I feel she is very lucky to live 2000 miles away.I'm afraid of my anger towards her.I believe if she lived near me I would have hurt her.My anger has gone down enough she is safe.

I don't believe I will ever forgive her.I don't even want to.If some harm were to come to her I would be dancing in the street.

I know it will be in Gods plan for me to forgive her one day.When he is ready for me to forgive her he will give me the strength.Right now I neither have the strength or desire to.I'm still picking up the pieces from what feels like a robbery.

I hope I haven't angered anyone.But the fact is everyone has a different way of dealing with what the affair has done to them.

No one understands the emotional mutilation that is suffered by the innocent ones.The left behind and the children.I did not ask this woman to try to take my rightful place.

My children cry for there father and this woman is taking him away from us.I know if it wasn't her it would be another.Here is the thing. If it was another I would be just as angry at her.Woman like this are everywhere.And they are not to be pitied.They are to be despised.Woman are always protrayed as back stabbing bitches.And it is woman like these who play the roll well.

I hope I didn't step on any toes.But lately I have been holding in my anger towards this woman.

Later Friends.
Briget