Core, great advice above from LH, Steve, unchien, R2C, Jim and ovr. It's like the who's who of DB vets in here! Read, wait until you regain your composure, and then read it all again.
All the garbage in that "journal" was probably written recently, and falls under the category of "rewriting of history." Instead of turning into an apology machine you should have just listened and validated. "Reading your comments, it sounds like you felt isolated and alone, is that the way I made you feel?" "Yes, blah blah blah" "I am sorry you feel that way, it must be very frustrating." Notice you are not apologizing for anything YOU did, and you are not even agreeing with her. You are listening to her feelings, and validating them. Period. Then you go about your day like nothing happened. Why? BECAUSE NOTHING HAPPENED. All that spew, it is a reflection of how she feels at this moment in time. Her feelings will change in a year, or a month, or a week, or 5 minutes. She loved you, and she changed to not loving you. Guess what, she can change right back again and probably will. My XW and I did not reconcile, but her recent actions consistently express her love for me regardless. She does stuff she would not ever have considered in the months after BD (such as inviting me to her mom's for Thanksgiving for the 2nd year in a row).
You were together 9 years. If you were so horrible, then what kind of an idiot would marry you, much less stay by your side for 9 years. No one, that's who. You've got to understand this- this is all more about a journey that she is going on than it is about you. She doesn't know that yet, but she will learn it eventually. Until then she will blame you and throw shade on you. All you can do is get out of the way.
