[AnotherStander]

Can’t I just tell her to snap out of it and appreciate the life she has? I can’t hardly take it any more.

If that worked then none of us would be here, and this site probably wouldn't exist Your W isn't who you remember marrying. You can't reason with her, or negotiate or bargain or manipulate or coerce her back into the M. You can't "nice" her back. You can't "mean" her back. You can't do a single thing to help her come back, but you can do a lot to block her from coming back. Your goal is to keep yourself from blocking her way back. As the saying here goes, to keep the way home paved and smooth. But you can't drive her down that road, she has to make that choice.

We’ve been in counseling for 3 years now, since the affair. We’re on our second counselor.

I agree with R2C, probably high time to quit going. Go to IC if it helps you, but stop the MC. It's pretty clear it hasn't helped (it never does after BD) and your sitch has in fact continued to deteriorate to the point where sex is now off the table.

but my wife just doesn’t seem to want to appreciate the truth of what she has.

Her "truth" is different than yours. She thinks she's in a terrible, cold, unloving relationship. And she thinks it's all your fault. You see another "truth"- a nice home, healthy kids, a future together. You've got to accept that her truth is her reality though. At your ages I'd say it's quite possible she's going through MLC or early menopause or both. This will affect the way she thinks. She is in a fog, and sees nothing good about the M but lots bad. She's convinced that escaping the M is her path to happiness. You have to let her go on this journey of discovery. Detach, leave her alone, focus on you and the kids. Somewhere down the road she may decide she wants the M after all, but it's going to take a long time for her to get there. If she's in MLC it could be years.

Over the years as she has brought up complaints and issues I’ve worked to change and she would agree that i have but then it’s on to the next “major issue” in our relationship.

This is very typical with WAS's. It's like a shooting gallery, you shoot one target down and two more pop up. You CAN'T PLACATE HER back into the M. I know it's tempting to try and it never, ever works. It just makes the WAS lose all respect for the LBS.

A consistent one is that i don’t “get” her or that we don’t have an emotional connection. Now this seems to be the target, that I need to feel more and share my feelings to improve communication.

She's not telling you this so you can fix it. She's explaining to you why in her eyes the M is over. Again, you can't "placate" her back to the M. You've got to earn respect back before she'll find you attractive again. You do that by detaching, letting her go, working on yourself, being an alpha again. I bet you've been trying to show her how great a husband you are by taking out the trash, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, helping more with the kids? All beta behavior. Beta is fine in combination with alpha, but most men lose their alpha traits in marriage and go full beta. Then when they get BD'd they double down on beta behavior, exactly the opposite of what they should be doing to attract her back.

Most guys suck at this. It is a learned behavior. AnotherStander gives great advise on this.

My take:

1) Listen to understand how she is feeling
2) Validate her feelings
3) make it all about her and how she is feeling.
4) How does she FEEL when she is interacting with you. Change the way you interact and it will change the way she FEELS. You want her to have "good" feelings.

Thank you and yes, couldn't have said it better Validating is the one thing we can do that doesn't hurt our sitches and usually help them. It's a neutral act, it's not confrontational. It's not even agreeing, just acknowledging that her feelings, no matter how crazy they may seem, are valid.