H texted me saying Hello! I am on my way in town, do you want the dogs tonight or do you need some time without them? This hurt me more than it should have b/c I feel he's been more focused on the dogs than on if we can get bday drinks. Also, I didn't realize he was coming in town yesterday and had looked forward going to running group alone, and he is a big part of that too.
Me: 'I am going to [running group]' H: OK. Is it OK if I drop the dogs off at the house while I go to my office and get them on my way out? I am still debating [running group] because my back still hurts." Me: of course you can drop the dogs at the house. I am sorry your back still hurts - understandable to be wary of running, that may be too much."
About 15 mins after this, I get a notification from my wifi camera. I've gotten this since he has left (really to watch my cats and see who is taking down xmas stockings) so he doesn't know it's set up, but it is in the open/obvious. He comes into the house with the dogs, and then spends a while opening and reading all the bday cards I have magnet-ed to the fridge. Nothing private in them - in fact, several mention knowing I am having a hard time, and none of them are from men or anything. He then leaves and I can tell notices the camera on the way out
When I am on the way home from work, I see his is picking up the dogs and proceeds to change clothes in front of the camera in the living room (not running clothes, so I feel relieved). I can see he is on his way out, so I call. We are always jovial/upbeat on the phone. He says he was at the house and was picking up the dogs and asked where I was. I said I was a few blocks away. He suggests that he wait on me and that we can go to running group together - he says he is only going to the bar we meet up at beforehand, but not staying because he has been up all day. I said yes, that'd be great, thank you. I come home, change, we have nice small talk, he mentions seeing the camera. We had always talked about getting one, so it's not odd that I did. We leave, he starts going on about his new car. We are catching up, and I -stupidly- decide the mood is light enough to bring up bday drinks. I said do you think you'll be able to get drinks while you're here? He then goes on and on about his work schedule over the weekend and I said I understand. I said it's totally OK if he doesn't want to, I know he needs space, and it's OK to just tell me no. He said that's not it. He then asks when our next counseling appt is (the 12th - next time he will be back in town after this weekend). He said that he would let me know soon.
I acted fine but inside felt totally defeated. He did this same runaround when the MC asked if we would go on a date. I always calmly say it's OK to not want to do something, and he always says 'that's not it.' With the date, he eventually said "I am not opposed to going on a date with you, but I am not ready." Which, I appreciated. I am not going to bring this or any other thing up again. I know I shouldn't because even though I try to make it as least pressure as possible, it is pursuit. And it hurts to be rejected by H.
We get to running group, and stayed together while people came up, acting normal, etc. We are normally fairly detached at these things, so it's not weird if we aren't all over each other. I still wear my ring, he does not. The rest of the time he is there is fine, and we say goodbye. I had a nice night with my friends but definitely had bouts of sadness and defeat. Saw some people that I love a lot, and got some great hugs and talks from them.
This morning he came by and dropped the dogs off. Again, nice normal interaction. I was kinda sleepy and almost tried to cuddle hug him but caught myself, thankfully.
