When I pray at night for the strength, wisdom, and courage to get me through whatever life throws at me, I also pray that I am able to forgive OW for being an adultress as well as H being an adulterer.
I think when we get caught up in the pain, we jsut want to vent our frustrations somewhere on somebody. Who better than OW? I too am guilty of thinking of some pretty nasty things to do. I realize that doing nasty things to her will not get me any closer to H.
Now, I do pray that a sense of guilt and/or shame fills the heart of OW and/or H to amke them realize that what they are doing is not right. That someone at some point says, we can not go oon like this because it is wrong.
I had an EA for 3-4 months and I felt horrible. I would get off of the phone w/OM and start crying because I felt soooo guilty. I would go out w/him and on my way home be in tears because I felt like such a betrayer and I was! I was searching for something that I was not getting at home and also angry because H had a PA prior to this. Now, from the mind of someone involved in a PA...I had every excuse in the book why I was doing it.
Excuses 1. He did it to me 2. I have been a good wife and mother for years and he screwed me 3. I never go out and he comes and goes as he pleases. 4. Yeah, I know that he is sorry, but he should have been sorry before this. 5.He never really showed remorse for what he did to me 6.He still continues to go out and party and leave me at home 7. I deserve to be happy 8.My feelings have nothing to do with OM. I am just fed up with H's behavior! 9.Am I going to be able to love him and be loved by him the way we need in a M?
Now, those are just a few of the excuses and don't get me wrong, I spent many nights crying because of guilt. I spent planty of night asking that I am able to end this addiction. My best friend said to me, F------, are you sure you are giving your M your best shot? Are you sure you are not just infatuated with this op? ( I never thought I loved him) Have you tried to talk to him about how you feel? I told her everytime I think of not talking to him it is unbearable. She said, you just have to go cold turkey for your M. Well, guess what ? When I finally decided to slowly let go that is when H left. I had decided I want my M. I want my H and he left. I asked him to stay. He said, No! I think he had already gotten entangled with someone else because of his pain. I saw him 1 time after H left and I cried and told him this is it and I love my H. This has all been a mistake! He begged and pleaded to no avail. It was not until I felt that I may not have H in anyway shape of form that I decided to end EA with OM. I say all this to say that, I totally undestand how it is to be addicted to OP! It is only an addiction. It is a hard 1 to break when unmet needs are being taken care of. I learned a valuable lesson in all of this. The scary part is I was at home and still influenced by H. He is not home so he has all of the free time in the world to talk to OW. I am not even sure what relationship is because I snooped and looked @ cell bill on internet. I only know that they talk. He says friends. Looks like Ea to me! I tried to call her, she wouldn't talk. I only called once and realized it was a mistake and never did it again!
