Hey Bets, just one of your shark friends jumping in on the previous subject.

I am jumping in and keeping this going because I really think it is such an important topic. I think my views are in the minority, too, so I want to put them out there as food for thought.

I agree that people try very hard to make excuses for their own behavior when they know that the behavior is bad. It's so easy to point the finger at someone else rather than at yourself.

When people get cannot forgive the OP, but can forgive their H's, well, isn't that selective finger pointing also?

Both people made the mistake. NO ONE but those two people have any idea what went on, or what was said. There are lots of empty promises made, lots of words spoken that aren't really sincere.

I hear so many people saying that the OP "manipulated" their spouse in some way. A few posts above, this statement was made regarding infidelity:
Quote:

I think for some of us, it is so completely alien to our values that it seems just unreal that people choose to behave this way and then try to justify it.



But, isn't blaming the OP simply a way of justifying the actions of your spouse?

Sure, you see first hand that the spouse is sorry or wants to reconcile or whatever...
No one really knows what the OP is thinking in most cases. I understand that some may try to continue the relationship once they are told it is over, but I also understand that some may be just as sorry, just as embarrassed, just as regretful.

I just think that it is far healthier to blame both people equally, and to work to forgive both equally. I know that some circumstances prevent this. But, I think the majority of them fall along these lines.

I'm not pointing this post to anyone in particular. I just wanted to give the flip side to this issue.


Oh, and Bets,
I know that tired and defeated voice that Mr. W used very well. When I try to talk or bring up an issue, I get not only that but also the slumped shoulders. I finally asked why that was the other day. The response?
"Everytime you try to talk to me I am reminded of what a failure I am."

New plan of attack? Make H realize that he is not a failure, I am not a failure, and our relationship does not need to fail. We are simply two people that made mistakes and have learned from them.

I hope you get some of the conversation that you need.