[Ready2Change]

A consistent one is that i don’t “get” her or that we don’t have an emotional connection.

Most guys suck at this. It is a learned behavior. AnotherStander gives great advise on this.

My take:

1) Listen to understand how she is feeling
2) Validate her feelings
3) make it all about her and how she is feeling.
4) How does she FEEL when she is interacting with you. Change the way you interact and it will change the way she FEELS. You want her to have "good" feelings.

Now this seems to be the target, that I need to feel more and share my feelings to improve communication.

Maybe. "I am frustrated" is how how share my feelings. I may express them differently.

We stopped being physically intimidate 4 months ago,

Focus on being attractive. This is more about your behavior and less about your looks. Learn how to be seductive. It is different than attraction. Know the difference.

the last time she threatened separation and divorce.

you are in triage now. We have been there.

She says she doesn’t want to work on the marriage but she hasn’t left and she still goes to counseling (where she told the counselor she didn’t want to work on the marriage).

This may sound counter-intuitive, but stop going. Do not tell her. If she asks, tell her "You said you didn't want to work on the marriage, so I believe it is best that I don't go to MC"

I just want to shake her and tell her to get it together. Work on the marriage and embrace the beautiful family and life she has!

Focus on things you can control. You can't control other people. You can control your words, behaviors, actions, thoughts. The more you try to control, the more she will resist.