If you have been divorce busting for several years, you already know the answer...leave her alone as much as possible, give her enough space and time to figure things out and no, you can't tell her to snap out of it. Evidently she has some issues that she needs to work on. It appears that the counseling she's getting may not be helping her if she still is still saying she doesn't want to work on the marriage.
So, my question is this...why is she still staying in the marriage and I am assuming she is still living under the same roof w/you? The changes you made, have they become a part of your daily life or did you just make those changes to please her? If the latter is the case, then make changes that you know you need to make and make them a part of your life on a permanent basis.
If would go about my life and keep the focus on you and your family. I would leave her be and if you opt to invite her to do things, then let her make the decision as to whether or not to participate. Keep your expectations at zero at all times, dig deeper for patient and again...keep that focus on you and your family.
Try not to engage in arguments as this gives her a justification for why she feels the way she does. Walk away when she begins to bait you. Get out of the house and do things and don't tell her what you are doing all of the time.
It's a long and bumpy road, but try to remember, you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. You can't control how she feels and right now, she's miserable and again, she has to figure things out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
