For the record, Briget, I'm here with you on the OW thing. I think for some of us, it is so completely alien to our values that it seems just unreal that people choose to behave this way and then try to justify it.
My C-- who I spent a lot of time on this subject with-- put it to me this way: that no one actually defends adultery unless they are trying to make excuses for their own behavior... and it's usually when they realize that they'd characterize it as "wrong" if they were on the other end that something begins to change. That generally speaking, it's usually a red flag when you are saying something is "wrong" when someone else does it but OK when you do it because of X or Y.
Working with my anger to turn it to compassion is as far as I have gotten on that journey. I don't have respect for the behavior of the OW, or of her constant attempts to make excuses and justifications for it. But I do have some compassion for her.
My H has been easier to have compassion for because he feels deeply the gravity of the situation and has shared a lot of that with me. He stopped trying to justify it a long time ago. So he's been lost (his words, not mine) but I think he is also keenly aware of how lost he is and what that has meant to our M. For some reason, that heals a little bit for me. I can forgive him, but he can't seem to forgive himself.
But I figure the OW has her own karma to deal with... and I have mine.
