This morning my W started yelling at me again, and saying that I'm the cause for her behavior. I asked her to please let me know what I'm doing to make D5 reject her, she couldn't name a thing. She told me I'm rejoicing in it, and that I'm not doing anything to discourage her from behaving this way. I told her to please stop having these arguments in front of the kids, she said "They know everything", excusing talking about these things in front of them. I repeated the same, I don't want this to happen anymore.
First of all, respect your D's feelings. She is struggling with how her mom is behaving towards her. You should absolutely, positively NOT defend your W's lousy behavior. You should NOT dismiss your D's feelings, especially right now. She feels her mom isn't listening to her and soon she will feel like you're not either if you keep this up. Learn to listen and validate, not just with your W but with your D as well.
Second, do not allow your W to talk to you like that in front of the kids. Tell her if she wants to discuss it then to ask you to discuss it in private. If she starts to do it in front of the kids tell her to stop immediately or the conversation is over. If she continues then leave the room or go for a walk or something. Don't put up with it. Just sitting there saying "please stop having these arguments in front of the kids" while she continues to rant and rave and be defiant makes you look weak and powerless not just to her but to the kids as well. Stand up to her.
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So I had to tell her "Look, I didn't want to tell you to hurt your feelings but D5 told me this morning you are mean to her. I told her that's not true and that if mom asks you to do things its because you have to do them, and you have to listen to her".
Again, don't force your D to do things she doesn't want to do. Be respectful of her feelings. If she says her mom is mean to her then don't say "yeah but do what she says", say "how does that make you feel, are you sad?" Open a dialog. Let her express her feelings. Tell her you are sorry she feels that way, and ask her if there is anything you can do to help. Consider getting her into some counseling, it sounds like she's really struggling right now.
