Well, I have thought a lot about all this today, and will attempt to respond and dive deeper.
Quote: I see the troubles you have with his lying as being systemic: that is, he lies to you to make him feel comfortable in dealing with you.
Yup, he's not a pathological liar. And it would be very fair to say that dealing w/ me was not easy... Lots of control issues & fear of abandonment, failure, & rejection. I haven't figured out where this all comes from, but there they are deep w/in me.
Quote: It took months (and I'm talking a good 6 in my case) for me to make a conscious effort to stop making him aware of any consequences of his actions.
I get it. I'd say I've been at it for a little over a month since I found DR. And last weekend I think I got it when I asked him 'what's w/ the dread in your voice; my feelings aren't going to be hurt one way or the other' (the details are on my thread). He responded 'wow, i'm really impressed. you're right.' It felt so good to let go & to have him immediately acknowledge that I had changed.
But we all backslide a bit, don't we? And while I haven't done anything major, I haven't let go. I'm all wound up in his life/decisions, like a boa on it's prey! Yikes, I hate admiting that!
What I don't quite get is how you 'let go' and 'detach' and still want to reconcile. For example, I don't really care if one of my friends decides to go out w/ other friends, I'm not all wound up in their lives. But I also don't want to live w/ them or ML w/ them. They're just my friend. Won't it always matter to me where he goes & what he does? Or is the key here simply to not let him know that it matters?
Quote: ...because our messy displays made them feel inadequate and ill prepared to deal with them.
Again, guilty as charged. This was a BIG issue for him. He's one of those 'fixers' & my craziness had no fix. I now see how much he likes to do things for me - so the other weekend he really got into setting up my DVD player & changing light bulbs! (I swear I almost fell on the floor when he acted like a SuperHero w/ the ladder & bulb in his hand - never mind that I changed every bulb for the 10 years before that. )
Quote: When you start responding rather than reacting, you're going to be amazed at the results.
Stay tuned, I hope to get there! I will try the Underdog's Overnight Rule, and report back dutifully.
Quote: . But I promise with all my heart that if you force yourself to be patient--with yourself, him AND the process--you will see changes.
There simply is no other cure - I see it, get it, and wretch w/ impatience so, so often! But I have gotten better at not reacting so quickly. I've seen some changes in our sitch, and he has commented several times that he's impressed w/ my change. Which brings up the other part of the equation: Consistency. He has seen me impatient, frustrated & downright nuts so many times over the past 10 years, it will take A LOT more sane, calm & patient moments to water down the past.
If I were stand back for a moment, I think I agree w/ you that it's not quite time to 'officially' set a boundary w/ him. Like everything else, this will come w/ time... I think I need to go back over my goals, and make sure there's enough of the small steps towards the big goals to be able to notice if we're heading in the right direction.
Thanks again for sharing your experience. And particularly for asking the tough questions. I'm too good at avoiding things unless someone puts up the challenge.
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