Quote: They feel they can't handle any other emotion but happiness coming from us. And part of it is our own fault, because our messy displays made them feel inadequate and ill prepared to deal with them. So it is also up to us to stop the behavior.
My H is this way as well. He never (to my knowledge) lied to me before his A started. My huge and messy emotional displays at that time created huge messy emotional displays by him in return... and lots of lies cropped up to avoid the huge messy emotional displays, the conflict, and the reality that HE felt what he was doing was not acceptable behavior for a married man-- the factor of protecting himself from himself as well from conflict with me.
At one point, he flat out said to me: ask me no questions and I won't lie to you.
What I finally did to set a healthy boundaries around the lying (after the yelling at him not to lie failed miserably) was to point out that I believe dishonesty is really destructive in relationships and that I respected him enough not to lie, even when things were painful. I asked him to treat me the way that he'd been treated by me. I also made it clear that I would call him out on a lie, and the number of them dropped dramatically.
It seems he GOT that.
I have only had one slip-up messy emotional scene since then. Unfortunately it was a big one in which I did dole out the consequences. Learning how to stick responsibly to your boundaries and not react is a process we learn and sometimes we screw it up.
Quote: Meredith and I have both learned--the hard way, of course--that it takes a lot of willpower and self control not to point out the obvious and feel the need to address every issue at the time it presents itself.
This, I think, is also a process you learn over time, and one of the biggest things I needed to learn to do. It is really tough. I can say I am finally there. My H helped me get there by a few times saying "don't you think I know that!?" And then I would stop-- of course he knew what I was pointing out... he was just not responding to it in the way that seemed logical and right to me. So what was I really doing? Anyone suspect I was trying to control outcomes of the conversation? Hmmm. But I only got there by writing everything down. I started pointed things out to myself on paper and then was able to see it from different views and finally let go of it.
Quote: I decided to spend less time fighting the process and more time changing my behaviors. The payoff is worth it.
Yes! It is truly amazing how your interactions begin to change completely when you start taking this approach.
