The guys I’ve dated have had pretty decent sex drives. One had a little ED going on at first due to new meds for a fib and not having sex in 2 years.... but once he got his mojo back, he got his mojo back. M was all about it when we were together, but certainly wasn’t going out of his way for it and shamed me when I mentioned not having it as putting it. Most men would come get some instead tinker with their truck or have an 8pm bedtime. It’s a part of feeling desired for us woman. He stopped making me feel desired.
Tonight I was at a work event and I was talking to one of my divorced single coworkers and she met M because his mom was admitted to her floor. She said to me ( like everyone else does) “you guys seemed really happy” I feel embarrassed when someone says that. For one or the other reasons. Because I was dumped and I said how much I loved my boyfriend. Or because I put up a front making everyone think I was happy.. I feel like such a fool. Part of me really loved him, yet I wasn’t happy. But he was the one who dumped me. It’s so weird
Anyways, I came here to make a happy post. I feel good today today. I went back to work after 5 days off and I felt lighter. I straightened my hair today after my new haircut and everyone complimented me. Even my work crush should who is married. He came into rounds and said “ hey, ho woah there! Lookin’ good” he’s such a gem, I would snag him in to time if he wasn’t married. He married a woman with 3 kids and refers to all of them as his sons. They also had one together. He’s pretty amazing. Anyways, I just feel not as down.
One reason being is I reflect on my life and see hardship and sadness. Or I can reflect on it and see how much I have overcome against all odds. I’ve accomplished some amazing things. One being a pretty decent mom. And I’ve kept my sense of humor, my ability to engage with others, my ability to smile, to still love and give people the benefit of the doubt. I am pretty awesome. My failed relationships or lack of relationships don’t define who I am. I think I get sad I am single because I just have a lot of love to give. But I’ve accepted this is the status kn my life and I don’t want to give all the good stuff to someone who does t appreciated. So I’m ok. I’m ok with where I am.
My daughter has that bat mitzvah Saturday. Another friend I found out is hosting a sleepover the night before, they will all get ready and the mom would take them. I was sad. I’m losing a weekend night and day. Which is a big deal sometimes to the every other weekend parent. But this is what life is about for her now. I’m having a little bit of a difficult time dealing with it, but I’m happy to see her thrive and I’m happy to see her happy. So, me and her besties mom might do happy hour in town. She’s starting treatment on Monday, so we will toast to her kicking cancer’s butt.
So I’m ok. I only get super sad when I think of M’s son. But I’m accepting life as it is and I’m not quite so depressed. It’s getting better. Day by day. I thank you all for sticking through this with me
