Friends: Season 3--Expanding and thriving

[Underdog]

Okay, I'm back! And although I confess to having a beer (I can thank Pandamoses/Mike for a great dinner, beer and a good conversation), I'm not drunk!

So, H2H, you have literally hit a gold mine here. I'm going to tackle this until Meredith can get over here.

I see the troubles you have with his lying as being systemic: that is, he lies to you to make him feel comfortable in dealing with you.

I'm going to venture a guess here and say that I don't think he's a pathalogical liar with everyone, all the time?

Let's digest this.

Mr. Wonderful and Sting (Meredith's H) hate conflict. They avoid it at all cost (BTW, this is Mr. W's mantra). They are also married to crazymaking women who have lots of control issues and deep rooted fears. I know that my #1 fear has been being abandoned.

My fears were the driving force in nearly all our interactions. If I feared he wouldn't come home alive after being out drinking all night, I would beg/scream him to be home at a certain time. If he said no, I begged or screamed louder. I aimed an arrow at his achilles heel to make him feel guilty. And 100% of the time, to avoid conflict, he would tell me what I wanted to hear so I could go off happy.

And then he'd do exactly what he wanted anyway.

You asked:

And I thought what could I possibly do to be that person that he would NOT (wouldn't dream of) lying to?

This is going to have to work itself out over time. This dynamic is still present between the two of you, and you are going to have to be the one who lets it go so that the boat can turn around. It took months (and I'm talking a good 6 in my case) for me to make a conscious effort to stop making him aware of any consequences of his actions.

THEN I started seeing results. My words were no longer working, but my actions were speaking plenty.

I also noticed that you said your H fears you being upset. Well, Sting and Mr. Wonderful fall into that category too! They feel they can't handle any other emotion but happiness coming from us. And part of it is our own fault, because our messy displays made them feel inadequate and ill prepared to deal with them.

So it is also up to us to stop the behavior.

Setting the boundary will come in good time, H2H. But right now, you are both still new to this game and are very used to reacting to one another. When you start responding rather than reacting, you're going to be amazed at the results.

Meredith and I have both learned--the hard way, of course--that it takes a lot of willpower and self control not to point out the obvious and feel the need to address every issue at the time it presents itself. This is where we both get into trouble.

We've learned to force ourselves into a timeout of sorts--giving ourselves the time to really reflect on what we're seeing, what we're feeling and what we ultimately need to do about it.

She was a little skeptical of Underdog's Overnight Rule when I shared it with her months ago. That meant I slept on issues that bothered me. I literally forced myself to wait 24 hours before I gave myself permission to address Mr. Wonderful about the issue that was plaguing me.

IF after 24 hours I still felt the issue was important enough to address, I did it. The difference in 24 hours was stark: the issue was still present, but the emotional variable was gone, and we were able to discuss the problem easily and with a solution. FAR different than our previous interactions.

But let me comment here and say that only 5% of the time did I feel the need to address the issue du jour with him the following day. The timeout gave me some perspective and a level of understanding I never had in the heat of my emotions. I learned that time gave me wisdom.

And so did Meredith.

I'd be willing to bet you big money that if you would stop setting yourself up, he will stop lying to you. We don't know what he feels his payoff is by lying to you, especially at this part of the game. I think he is just used to acting mechanically now, though, and it's a method that has freed him from the emotional barrage when you perceive him to be lying.

One side note. After the 6 months of new responses from Mr. W. had passed, I finally felt enough courage to address a big issue of mine with him. We had been able to successfully resolve conflict, so I had time on my side.

My issue? His former unwillingness to let me express my feelings. But I will say that I had a captive audience.

I explained to him that I should be permitted to express disappointment or hurt (or any other emotion) without fearing him running away from me. I asked him if he would let me take responsibility for my emotions... letting him know that I don't want him to attempt to fix me, but just let me express myself.

He was very much apprehensive about this. But I asked him to trust me. This proved to be a really good turn of events, because when I had to address him on how I felt about his move into a bigger apartment, he let me cry and tell him how I felt. (I got flowers delivered to my office that day as well.)

What I'm trying to say is that this all takes a lot of time and effort, H2H. These dynamics took years to build, so they are going to take time to change or break. Nothing is impossible. But I promise with all my heart that if you force yourself to be patient--with yourself, him AND the process--you will see changes.

Mine were drastic. But I was absolutely determined to give this M a fighting chance. It was really hard to change, sweetie. I fought it every step of the way. But eventually, I figured out I was backed into a corner and had to do the work.

I decided to spend less time fighting the process and more time changing my behaviors. The payoff is worth it.

Now, it's time to get ready for bed!

Nighty night to all in the deep blue sea. Just keep swimming!

Betsey