Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D

[HaWho]

Thanks all; so thankful for this sounding board.

On the heels of what Job said, my ex is still out there. And like, Bttrfly, I don’t see mine getting out of his funk.

I thought of what Westo wrote elsewhere; that one of the key reasons to detach is to try to shelter yourself from too long a list of disappointments that then make it hard to want to R. I no longer would want to R. Maybe for this reason; just saw too much in the years he lived with me and spiraled before my very eyes. It is hard to unsee that all.

I have limited contact with mine but from what I do see he is super stuck in anger and the past. Messages from him are a broken record. For a guy who wanted to move on and find himself and now has exactly my what he wanted, he is forever rehashing the past.

Nearly every communication from him is an opportunity to ooze anger and score petty points. I texted him yesterday asking him to pay his 35 for tutoring for son as he pays this while I pay something else. Tutoring was moved to my night this week so I asked him still to cover it and he told me it is my night so now I can cover it. This is not the way it is supposed to work but some people just need to win pointless battles. Then he goes into his usual mantra. He then told me he should not have to even pay for tutoring at all as he already pays me so much. Next: all I did was birth the children and nothing more. According to him I was useless after that moment. Then he told me I wasted money on lawyers when he wrote his own (very good- according to him!) proposal for settlement. Okay. The drumsticks are worn down from that drum he has been beating for years now.

It actually made me sad that he is stuck in this loop. And to think me asking him to pay 35 bucks is an opportunity for him to lash out. For the first time in a long while I considered addressing him somewhat in an attempt to push the stuck needle on the record. I wanted to say I was sorry he felt the marriage was such a loss for him. (Of course I have the gifts and cards proving he felt otherwise in the 14 years before BD.). I wanted to tell him I felt I needed to secure my own lawyer as he was no longer forthright with me: secretive; had a secret bank account, was dishonest about his comings and goings; basically that he was wildly unpredictable, etc.

Mostly though I wanted to tell him: it has been 5 years since you told me you needed freedom to find yourself. You have exactly what you wanted and you are still harping on the past. I have found peace and happiness and I wish nothing but the same for you. P.S. You won’t find it with this death grip you have on ruminating on things that happened years and years ago.

Not sure why I feel the need to say this all. Maybe it is my way of ever trying to fix. I did not say anything in the end but it made me sad that he is not looking to the future. I see such bright days ahead of me and I was so devastated by his MLC.