I'm back... and again I give thanks to you two for helping me out with this one. Lies has been an issue that I have tried to sweep under the carpet and not admit how much it hurt me.
Quote: Well, how would you treat your teenager if you discovered an incessant path of lying?
Can't say really, I don't have kids.... (Happy Mother's Day to all you Moms on the BB)
Quote: However, the consequence for lying is that people no longer value the words that come out of their mouths.
This is what I used to say to him all the time. Tried to get him to understand how that I couldn't 'see' or 'hear' any of the good stuff he did because I was no longer clear on what was real and what was a lie.
Quote: For one, are you actively trying to catch him in lies?
Guilty as charged. But I have realized a while ago how destructive this was to me, to our R, and to him. So even though I'll admit I'm not 100% snoop-free, I no longer let him know that I know something.
A funny (perhaps more ironic) example was a time he told me he went up to the Outlet mall (an hour drive). He said he went alone, but I knew better & actually had proof. But I didn't say anything. A few days later I was at his apartment & he said he had something for me, for my birthday (a month earlier). He had already taken me out to dinner, so I didn't expect a gift. It was an absolutely gorgeous silk scarf from Ann Taylor. Before I opened it, I did calmly & quietly say 'well you wouldn't be in Ann Taylor if you had been alone' (which is absolutely true), but realized I was being a b*&^% so shut up & opened it.
It was SO me, & beautiful, and I thought, well he may have gone w/ a woman, she may be more than a friend, but he was buying me a gift. So stop worrying.
Quote: The trick is to draw him into feeling comfortable being honest with you.
Yup! This is what I am learning. And lately, it does seem he hasn't lied much. I've stopped flogging the evidence, stopped expecting to be told the minute details of his life, and responded cooly when he tells me he has plans.
Quote: Why not share with us the reasons why he would feel the need to lie instead of be truthful with you?
Well, I'm still trying to figure this part out. Especially now that he's technically free to date or do whatever he wants, why lie? But I can say that both control and fear of my reaction is probably why he lies.
I'm beginning to see how controlled he felt - how little I understood of his need for space & self-determination. He also couldn't deal with my crazymaking - I'm loud & fiery & then it passes. He's quiet & would rather ignore an issue than face it squarely. The more intense I got, the more he withdrew, and it just became easier to lie than to deal with me.
But I still don't get why he still lies now about doing things w/ other people (presumably women, or the OW?). I can only think now that he doesn't want to hurt me. He absolutely hates to see me sad or crying. So since he's free to do as he likes anyways, why add to my pain by letting me know? That doesn't sound right either, but that's all I can think of now.
What I do know is that anytime I have confronted him with his lies, it has been disasterous. So I thought I'd try backing off, accept that he knows when & why he does & that I'm pretty smart, and see what happens - does it reduce the lying? or is it the same?
This is a recent 'experiment' and first data would indicate it's less, but it's too soon to see right now.
Quote: It becomes a game of extreme patience. You must promise yourself that you won't be the one to dole out consequences. This is going to take time.
Bingo! I agree, tho' easier said than done. The bottom line is that I hated myself for snooping & busting. I hated being that type of person - it's not my nature. And I thought what could I possibly do to be that person that he would NOT (wouldn't dream of) lying to?
Which leads us back to setting boundaries and why I was curious to what Meredith DOES to set this particular one. For now I'll have to say that it's a work in progress - the trying to figure out how to set the boundary and/or eliminate the need to set the boundary in the first place!
Have a great weekend ladies! I'm headed for that glass of wine and hopefully to dull those brain cells in overdrive!
But I have realized a while ago how destructive this was to me, to our R, and to him. So even though I'll admit I'm not 100% snoop-free, I no longer let him know that I know something.
