This entry really isn't H related. And its not an update on my healing journey. I've had a tough couple of days and needed/wanted to write about it.
I lost my temper Monday night with D13. We got back from Lapland and were in the car I had booked to take us from the airport home. The journey was a long one, made even longer by A LOT of traffic. We were all tired and moody, but D13 particularly so. She was grumpy at her sister, she was snappy with me. When we got to the house, she started talking over me when I was talking to the driver. I asked her to wait, but she kept talking over me so I lost my temper and told her to "shut up". I regretted it as soon as I said it. I have never told her to shut up, in fact have many times told them it was a phrase I hated. To me swear words include telling people to shut up, calling people fat, or calling people stupid. In my head (and in there's) these are phrases/words that should never be used. Which is why it probably hurt her so much.
She went straight up to her room and didn't come down again all night - not even when the pizza she wanted me to order arrived. I had decided the best way to handle these situations is to give her space. So I let her know when the pizza arrived and also, said "I love you" when I went to bed but otherwise left her alone.
In the morning she took her time getting ready (I decided not to pressure or nag) and we ended up 30 minutes late getting out. As we were running so late I was going to drop her off near school instead of at the gates as doing so adds 20 minutes to the journey but she refused to get out of the car. She wanted to be dropped off at school. I decided to drive D10 to school and leave the car in the carpark there. I was going to walk back to the station, and D13 would have to walk to school from there. Again she refused. I stood in the carpark for 20 minutes and eventually left her to take D10 to school. When I got back, she still refused to get out and said she was going to sit in the car all day if she had to. There was other stuff. I hate you. I wish I could live with Daddy. He might not be perfect, but he's better than you. I asked her if she remembered what he was like before he left, and she said "he's not like that anymore. He's changed. Now you're like that". So, called work to tell them I was taking the day off, turned the car around and took her home. I then sat in a coffee shop and cried.
I know that this is all teenager sh!t. I know that she does not love her dad more than me, it is just easier for him. He doesn't have them as much as I do. He can plan things around them. He has the space and time to recharge. They are so use to him being away that when he is not with them they just assume that he is working. When I am not with them they think I am out (H often brings them back to the house to pick up things so they know when I am not home).
To his credit H was understanding over the last few days. I spoke to him today about asking her to tidy her room (it is a tip) and also picking up after herself around the house - when I ask she gets defensive and he seemed to understand.
That doesn't mean he has completely changed. He still gets narky when I say no to something. I just don't let it effect me like it use to. Breath. Look away. And then respond with something 'light'.
He also lied to me tonight about where he was going. It's not a problem and it's not going to keep me up all night trying to work out. I don't know where he goes most of the time as he doesn't tell me. Just strange that when he does tell me he feels the need to lie about it.
Lastly - Lapland was great. I would thoroughly recommend it to any of those out there with young children on this side of the Atlantic.
