I am sorry you are here. I hope you are able to find comfort in the words of the many people here with you. You will find good, kind hearted people here who are rooting for you.
I am two years post breakdown and I can tell you it is a long and painful road. But it will get easier. Follow the lessons you learn here, GAL, 180 and most importantly stay strong.
Your list is good, but a couple of things that helped me:
1. Meditate - this helps with the sleepless nights, and also overtime, you'll learn how to be an observer of your feelings. Everything you're feeling is valid, but it is important not to let them take over. Learning to observe them helps put things in perspective. 2. Journal - offline or online, either will help. This will help structure the thoughts that go round and round in your head. Once you have it on paper (or on screen) read it as if it were someone else's story. The structure will help you to detach and look at things rationally. 3. Read other peoples thread. Respond. Even if it's just to say 'I'm here and I'm listening'. Knowing that there is someone else out there who gets you matters more than you know. 4. As AS said, find some GAL activities that involve other people. Join groups - climbing, running clubs. Get out of your comfort zone and when you're there force yourself to be present. Being present is one I still struggle with. Sometimes I can be out with people and still feel separate from them.
You asked a question about how to plan childcare without it seeming like pursuing. I find that (forcing) a kind of 'colleague' like friendliness worked best with my H. Try sending a message like "Hi - I am going to be in Madrid on xxx and would like to spend some time with S6 and S1. I would like to take them for one or two of the days. What days would work best for the children ". No pressure. Never any mention of also seeing her. Just a simple request to see the children. If she says no say, "Thank you. It would have been great to see them. Maybe next time". If she says "sure, then suggests some dates" respond with a simple "Perfect. Thanks. It will be great to see them".
Make your messages about your children. Not her. Never her. You (have to act like you) don't care if you see her or not. You can be friendly, maybe throw in a "hope you're well" or "have a great day" but nothing more personal than that. If there's something more regular, then send a "Hi W. I would like to sort out the childcare arrangements for the next few months. I can be in Madrid on the following days and would like to see the children. Do these days work?".
Your aim right now isn't to R. It is to become a better you and to build a co-operative co-parenting relationship. She needs to work through her own stuff. And she will do this according to her own timeline. Use the time wisely so that should she wish to come back, then you will be a better man then when she left. And if she doesn't come back, then you will still be a better man then when she left.
