I wasn't going to start a new thread but my old one is full and I wanted to respond to your messages. Thank-you, as always, for your support and advice.
KML - I'm not worried about spyware or anything like that. I'm pretty sure XH stumbled across my thread because my iPad used to be linked to my kids' IPads so that if I was on a site, it would sometimes show up on their's. Text messages too which was highly irritating. It took me awhile to a) realize it was happening and b) figure out a way to fix it so I think that is how he found it. He was also aware that I had belonged to an online forum in the past even though it was not this particular one.
So it's been a few days and I am still at a loss as to why XH and OW would want to spy on me. Morbid curiosity? Maybe XH wanted to make sure I am okay? Or is that too noble of a motive? OW's motive? That's another one altogether. She told me my perspective was hard to read. Ummm...of course it was!!! It is my perspective...the woman whose husband you cheated with. What did you expect?
Honestly, if I had to guess, I just think she is in denial about her role in all of this and that reading about my experience reminds her that her happiness has come at others' expense and she doesn't want to face that. She claims she loves my children like they were her own yet she was instrumental in blowing up their family. That's not love.
Like you all have expressed, it is equally bizarre that she decided she needed to tell me they were spying on me. She claims not to want to start a war or a conflict between us but if that is the case, wtf?? I mean...what a fantastic way to try to incite one!! XH and I have been doing a great job of co-parenting because we have both chosen to put our kids first so that when I see him, we are nothing but friendly and congenial. It doesn't mean that every bad feeling I have ever had about the two of them is gone or that I am somehow being dishonest because I don't present as super angry every time I see him. That is the reason I am on this forum...so I can work through that stuff here and not have it impact my life any more than it already has.
The reality is that my hurt and angry feelings HAVE faded significantly these last few months. I went back and read my last few threads and probably 85% of what I wrote about has absolutely nothing to do with XH and OW and everything to do with my life outside of that. That is the part that creeps me out the most about this situation. It is one thing to read my thoughts and feelings about them but the fact that they have also had an inside view of my dating adventures and my R with Jack that not even my closest friends and family have had is such a monumental violation. There really aren't any words to describe it.
Anyway... I am sad that I have to step back from this forum because you all have helped me so much with sorting out my feelings in a way that no one else could have and have kept me on a really good path. Part of me feels like I should just keep posting regardless but I really, really cannot stomach the idea of them having a window into my life like this. There are thoughts and feelings I've written about here that I don't talk to anyone else about - not even my twin. That XH and OW are the only two people IRL who know some of these things is beyond horrifying as they would be the last two people on earth I would choose to talk to about it. Ugh. It is nauseating just thinking about it. So I don't really have a choice. I am just grateful that I am through the worst of it because I don't know what I would do if I wasn't.
Job - If/when I come back to post about my own life, I will definitely make a new account and not link my old threads. It will be some time however as I want to wait until I'm pretty sure XH and OW have moved on to other things and lost interest in knowing what I'm doing.
Take care All. I will try and stop by your threads and lend my support when I can. (((HUGS)))
