Another case of WW (Part 2)

[hoosjim]

I'm envious of people who busted the affair via exposure. I keep thinking I should have exposed to OMW, even though OM is now getting a D anyways. I'm envious couples with live-in situations where there are opportunities to DB on a daily basis. I feel like right now we have so limited interaction, seems like occasional text every 2-3 weeks now, it all seems like it's just slowly fading away.

Sandi2 is a big believer in busting affairs right out of the box, though not by "exposing" (which carries risks of being ineffective or looking "weak", especially if you create "boundaries" you cant enforce, of creating an "us against the world" mentality, and of "burning bridges" rather than "keeping the road home paved smooth.") I believe her take is that if most LBH's, when FIRST faced with BD, said "I am not going to share my W or live in an open marriage, get out now, you hussy" (in other words, effectively dropping a bomb of their own) the timeline for recovery of the WW would be somewhat to substantially shortened. At some point they need to feel the shock and sting of loss, sooner or later. For my own part, I am a believer in several things regarding affairs: 1) No work can be done on reconciling or repairing the MR as long as OM is anywhere in the picture. 2) While ending the affair is a condition precedent, it is not sufficient in and of itself to lead to reconciliation (you both will have work to do in that regard on the issues that led to marital damage prior to the affair) 3) Affairs are easier to end the less involved they are-- Inappropriate friendships are more easily broken off than emotional affairs, Emotional affairs are more easily broken off than physical affairs (some will challenge this, but it is based on science-- physical skin to skin contact releases oxytocin, also called the "bonding hormone"). As such, you should take whatever action you appropriately can, as soon as you can, to set and enforce your boundaries and, if you take the more aggressive route, of exposing or threatening to expose the adulterers. My own situation ended up in reconcilliation, but i did NOT get off to a great start-- didn't set boundaries, enabled her affair, etc-- and, as a result, what had started out as an inappropriate friendship with oversharing and only a borderline EA, became a full fledged "I want to jump on you and run away with you" limerance-ridden "Ive found my soulmate" EA and, possibly (though i never found out for sure) PA. I am convinced, and you will never change my mind, that if i had taken stronger action at BD, either in terms of my own boundaries or in terms of confronting/exposing OM (and i had several unique levers available to me had i chosen to use them), that at least THAT affair (and admittedly a WW can always find other APs) would have been headed off and, possibly the timeline for our own reconciliation advanced.

OTOH, since we werent' even friends at that point she may have just told me to "Eff off" and walked out straight into his arms. Impossible to say, really, though i got to watch her evolution, firsthand, and you could see the effect the progression of the affair had on her and, by extension, on our initial forays into reconciliation.

As to being in the same house and having the opportunity for interaction and witnessing of your DB-ing, it is really hard to say what is best. In my own sitch, it worked out very well-- mabye the only way it COULD have worked out well-- for us to be cohabitating for the bulk of that time. However, at the end of the day, some level of detachment and, yes, separation seems to always be required to get over the hump. In my case, I did a fair job of detachment later on in the process and, ultimately, our full separation lasted only two weeks... but, brief as it was, it was definitely a required step on our path to reuniting. There are a few situations like mine where some degree of cohabitation worked out or was even on some level beneficial, but you will not find a single situation on here (except maybe Sandi2s) that didn't involve some period of true separation, always at least emotional, and, in almost all cases, physical.