Reading about WAW and WW has made me want to share more information and help from more experienced DBs. As I said, I am aware I have neglected my M and my W has shared with me how it was hurting only then I closed myself and became defensive. This has gone on for long time but I believe I have done nothing to see her leave to a different country and be forced to be with my S6 and S1 every 15 days (no A, no abuse, no addictions beyond work excess). We were buying a 3 bedroom amazing flat in Germany that now she claims I manipulated her into, I was so proud of our achievement and now it feels like the life I was offering is all worthless.
Men and women prioritize value and success differently. Men find worth and value in things such as a nice car, prestigious job, luxurious home, beautiful wife. Women find value in personal relationships. That's not to say women don't like nice cars and homes, but they prioritize relationships above that whereas men don't. We think that if we bring home a big paycheck, enable the family to live in a nice neighborhood and fancy home that it makes up for the fact that we're gone working a lot and neglect our relationships with our wives and children. Women will put up with this a long time, but at some point they reach the breaking point and plan their escape. If things continue to deteriorate then they eventually drop the bomb, and when they do they are DONE.
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These are some things I heard from W when D bomb was dropped and along those 2 months I was feeling guilty and trying to spend lots of time talking to her about OR (I know, more mistakes on my side!):
This is what we refer to as "rewriting of history" and WAS's do it to justify breaking up the marriage. They are deflecting all of the blame to the LBS. Typically the LBS will become a groveling mess, admitting that yes, they did all that and more, and they are sooooo sorry, and won't you just forgive me and everything will be better I promise etc. etc. Don't do this because she doesn't believe you. This is why we say you have to show through ACTIONS, because she's heard the words so many times that she doesn't believe them anymore.
And at first she will resent your actions. She'll state it's "too little too late" and "why couldn't you change while there was still a chance?" So you change for you, and for your future R with her or someone else.
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... and more evidence that my W is a WAW. She offered me shared custody in the south of Spain, where we are both originally from, but she knows I cannot work on the great company I do from there. She also used the fact that I travel at work to argue I could not support shared custody. When I was feeling like a rug, guilty and worthless as a man I thought let her go to the south of Spain and figure herself out, I will find a way to move to Madrid, work from there, GAL, be my best and maybe one day we can R there. Now I am a lake of doubts, I am not sure if I am ruining my life for a person that will never look back.
I would suggest that you not make any big life changes with the hopes of appeasing her, because it won't work. She has no respect for you right now and appeasing her will only make that worse.
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In my effort to GAL and detach, I am:
- go to opera, trips and museums on my own - fresh work start in Madrid happening early 2020 hopefully - weight lifting and running - eating really healthy - planning activities with my children - learning to play piano - go out with friends - read DB/DR and other great books - new cologne, taking care of clothes and beard
Awesome, that's a great list! Try to find some GAL activities that involve interactions with other people as well. It helps to make some new friends.
