I absolutely agree. It reminds me of the movie Network: "I'm mad as he** and I'm not gonna take it anymore!" Idle threats if I don't follow through.
I don't necessarily need a D. My needs are:
- More time with our kids - A financial separation
I have other "nice to have's" such as less intrusiveness from my W while I parent, but those are things I can affect now without needing to upset the apple cart. The financial piece is important to me. We are out-spending my income by several K per month, and I am effectively supporting her (by paying the bills and the mortgage) by several K above what a max support payment would be. I am enabling an unhealthy situation for all parties, me, her, our kids. So I need to change it. It's clear to me this will persist for awhile if I do not take some action. And I am not okay persisting as is.
The most recent update is W has chosen to reach out to MC2 for another session. This is likely in response to the long text exchange on Monday. She kept asking me for a 6 month parenting plan, and I said that was a good thing to discuss in mediation. When she pressed for what I want in January, I said 2 extra weeknights. So I imagine her goal of scheduling MC2 is that she wants to press for her needs for the next 6 months.
Some journaling ~
I've spent some time recently trying to understand her mindset, but not dwell on it. I am looking for information I can use for my own self-improvement. Even before the BD, for a couple years, I increasingly felt like I couldn't share my feelings with my W. Sometimes she complained I was distant, although from my perspective when I did share my feelings she either didn't care, or I felt she attacked my reasons for feeling a certain way. And when she would periodically express herself (in the form of an hour-long vent on several things she was frustrated about), I felt like there was no space for me to do anything other than validate and listen. There was no space for my feelings in the marriage for a couple years. I wanted to spend more time together as a couple, and she immediately would say she felt "blamed and shamed." I felt really shut out. If I raised a concern about our finances, she would get stressed out and shut down the conversation, and then accused me later of being financially controlling. I realize a lot of my unhappiness was about our lack of emotional connection.
This is something I think I will carry for awhile. It cuts deep for me. I am pretty comfortable sharing my feelings with internet strangers, or with friends, but I can't imagine ever allowing myself to be vulnerable again in a romantic relationship. It's an issue I will need to work through for awhile. It's been a work in progress (as a NG) to grow confidence in understanding my own feelings, and understand they are just as valid as anyone else's. Secondly, I have this general sense that other people don't care, that I will get burned, that I need to defend how I feel. If I feel angry, do I have an anger problem? If I feel anxious, do I have an anxiety disorder? If I feel sad, am I medically depressed? If I am resentful, am I a negative cynical pessimist? Do I have the capacity to forgive? Did I drive my W away with my NGS? Am I capable of being in a warm, loving relationship, or am I too stuck in my own head? There is a lot to sort out and I'm planning to continue in IC long-term.
Yesterday I looked at some of the text from the apology letters I wrote in April (for the first time in probably 6 months) and I was pretty appalled by how weak and submissive and histrionic and over-the-top I was. I took all the blame. I couldn't read them all the way through. What I did feel is that I am a stronger person today and would *never* write letters like that again, to anybody, ever. I completely devalued myself. I do feel remorseful for my role in the erosion of our MR, I wish I had done some things differently. I don't know if that would have saved us anyways.
These are just thoughts that I have lately. I'm much better about putting them aside as needed, but I like working them out by posting here. My sister is visiting next week and I'm really excited. I switched to a new 4-day weight lifting program and feel rejuvenated physically - not as tired as before. Work has picked up and I feel much more productive. I had an awesome 5-day weekend with the kids. I found a new podcast that I'm really connecting with. I went to a live concert last week and had a great time. I'm going to brave the cold waters and surf this weekend with a good friend. Life is a place of abundance.
