This is for the viewpoint towards our spouse, it is what we most struggle with. However one can be attached, detached, indifferent to any person, place, or thing.
Detachment is when your emotional state is not directly affected by your spouse’s emotional state, behaviours, or actions.
It is the opposite of attachment, where your emotions change depending on your spouse’s emotions, behaviour, or actions. Your emotional response is based on an irrational coupling to your spouse. This emotional response is uncontrolled and unavoidable.
We all remember being attached. When your spouse treated you badly, you felt bad or sad. When they behaved nicely towards you, you felt so much better. Then they left with OP kissing on the way out the door and you crash into depression and fear. You could not control your emotions, they changed based on your spouse.
As more rational ideas and thoughts gain foothold, more control over your responses is attained. When you are detached it is not, that you don’t feel anything, you can still get upset, sad, whatever - you can just rationally see the reason and you are in control. You are not riding that emotional rollercoaster. A step towards indifference.
Indifference is the absence of feelings, or very little feelings, for your spouse. Where in detachment you could be still very much in love, just not irrationally dragged along - in indifference you do not have those passionate feelings.
Some say hate is the opposite of love. Not true. Both are born in the crucible of passion and are but a razor edge apart. We have all experienced those times where the person we love (our spouse) does something so stupid, or wrong, or hurtful - we suddenly hate them. Of course we get over it and love returns. We are deeply passionate towards our spouse and love and hate are passionate emotions.
Indifference is nothing, neutral, bland, the opposite of passion. It is like the feelings one has for a stranger, maybe even less. Indifference for your spouse does seem more than indifference for others. Their actions and our own defence mechanisms put more protection, more walls, more indifference between us and our spouse than between us and some man off the street. It does make sense, our spouses hurt us greatly, and our healing would cause a greater disconnect in response to the greater hurt.
Indifference can, and sometimes does, get to the point of just not caring about them anymore. Our spouses have this mastered. Some of you have experienced this from your spouse and know just how great indifference can become.
However, for most LBS, we still care. Our feelings of love for our spouse is lessened. However our love still exists in our thoughts and core beliefs. It is here that something amazing takes place, deep within who you are, and defined by your beliefs.
That love that you know you have, you believe in, will grow. It will transcend, freed from the boundaries of passion, it becomes more - you love unconditionally.
Without the love/hate passion, you love based on reason, faith, who they were, who you are, your long lives together, a belief that they are still inside trapped somewhere - you will love based on whatever your core values are. You will love with out the constraints of passion. You will love them, who there are, and it will have no detraction due to feelings of dislike or hatred. This is how it becomes unconditional - love based on beliefs instead of feelings.
A love like that leads to forgiveness.
A love like that brings peace.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
