I was reluctant to jump into the pool because Meredith is doing beautifully. She has a whole lot more experience across the board with this issue than I do. But since my former control freak self was responsible for pushing Mr. Wonderful into a P/A mode with me, there are a couple things that come barging through my thoughts here.
For the P/A person (and I think this is probably true with non P/A types as well), you cannot say controlling things like that without getting what you expect. Let me explain.
"Tell me the truth" and "you need to contribute" are statements that a parent might say to a child. They are demeaning and condescending, and meant to be.
This isn't to say that the sentiment is not valid. It's how you draw truths and further actions out of them that make the difference.
Meredith could tell Sting a thousand times, until her face turned blue, that he absolutely MUST pick up the kids by a certain time because of X commitment. However, true to form, he would be late. Not because he didn't want to be on time (probably quite the opposite) but because he resented her telling him what he needed to do. Instead of telling her outright, "I'll do what's right and I don't need you to tell me" (which would be assertive), he would tell her what she wanted to hear and then do the opposite.
This only made their cycle spiral downward. He would continue to feel like the admonished little boy and she would feel frustrated and angry and resentful that he wouldn't just do the right thing without playing games.
Sting, like many others, WANTS to do the right thing. He just wants to be treated like a man whose opinions and feelings are valid. On any given day, we could substitute Mr. Wonderful's name for Sting's, because Meredith and I share many things in common with this dynamic.
I was able to turn this around last summer and fall (with a lot of coaching here and off the BB). It was really tough to treat a guy who was acting like an imbecile with any modicum of respect. Frankly, his P/A antics were getting really frustrating and pissed me off.
I finally just had to quit talking and start doing. Ultimately, my buttoned lip did more for my cause than anything else. I let things go that I normally would have assumed--tasks, responsibilities, decisions, etc. Someone had to do them, and he slowly started picking them up.
He's a whole lot more attuned to doing the right thing now that I act like he's trustworthy. Fortunately, it just took awhile of ACTING AS IF I trusted him for me to really feel that way.
Otherwise, Meredith answered your question and definitely to my satisfaction!
She's had a really good week with her newfound detachment and attitude, and I don't think it's a fluke. Her H is showing some HUGE improvements. Life is good in our corner of the ocean...
BTW, I'm reading your posts, and I'm totally amazed at your growth. You keep it up and you're going to have a real success story on your hands!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey 
