Another compound chemical name! Anyway, here are my boundaries on lying and contributing.
With lying, it is tough because my “new and not so improved” H can lie pretty well. But when I know he is lying (as in the other night when he insisted he was at his grandmother’s helping out, and the said grandma later mentioned she hadn’t seen him in weeks) I tell him that I am not interested in hearing his lies, and if he isn’t willing to share the truth then we may as well quit the subject. He’ll interject with, “but I am telling the truth” and I will calmly (calm is key here, because then they KNOW you know) say, “No, you are not. If you are not willing to share the truth, please move on to a different subject. I don’t need a lie for a lie”. I still don’t know where he was, but I wasn’t willing to be played the fool by accepting the ‘grandma’ answer. Do I like not knowing where he was? No. But it drives home point that I know more than he gives me credit for, and makes him think twice on what bull puckey he hands me for excuses. Plus, it leaves them confused and guessing…a good thing for a liar because they’ll dig their own grave with that shovel!
With contributing, the boundary goes more in line with a boundary for myself. I just received proof that this works the other day. Instead of leaving things open-ended, I will put a date after it. For instance, D4 needs an extra set of cheap tennis shoes to leave at school since she is constantly getting hers wet (don’t even ask me why), please pick up a pair for her by Tuesday. Then on Monday, I’ll remind him that D4 needs her shoes. If I don’t get the shoes by Tuesday, I go buy them myself. He sees them in her cubby when he picks her up, and does the mental ‘DOH!’. Yes, I still bought the shoes, but stick with me here.
The more he sees things being done, the less he sees himself doing them and the less he hears me mentioning it – the worse he feels. And, as proven to me this week, eventually he does something about it. I never in a million years thought it would work. But S1 received his new supply of Gerber Graduate meals at daycare before I even knew that he needed them.
The ultimate challenge, which actually is getting to be very easy for me, is staying detached while you want to be jumping through the roof. The more detached you are, the more curious (and worried) they become. I am telling you, it WORKS. I’d never have believed it though…
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
