When I first signed on, someone pointed out how the statistics show that more women file for divorce. Which leads us to believe its women that are bailing on marriages. But no one accounted for the numerous amount of times they filed after hubby moved in with another woman. Point is statistics are skewed. Michelle wiener Davis books are great for normal marital issues but harmful for people in abusive situations - most of the people here whose spouses are actively having affairs. IIt would take a ton of peer reviewed literature for me to be convinced by some statistical figure posted. And in relationships , there really is no formula.
Don - if you could go back in time, would you buy stocks in Match.com? I only wish I could, because it is just as good as sliced bread. I think a lot of people would too, as much as you discredit it.
I honestly love OLD. It was easy because I can’t date patients and so don’t have time as a single mom to go out and meet people. I had a lot of luck both times I was on it. Granted, the first relationship didn’t work after a year and a half, and I have no idea of the future with my current relationship. I can only hope. But OLD put me in a position where I had potential to actively meet men. Something that would be really hard for me because of my schedule. It would have taken me a long time just to find someone to go on a date with. With OLD, you can find that in a few days. So it makes the first steps easy. I get that, it’s probably better if you live in a highly populated area.
I think that you can be vulnerable with someone you like without being desperate or needy. I prefer to not initiate as I have learned that the guy values you more when they are the pursuers. But that’s just my experience. I tend to not be needy or clingy in general (My ex husband said that to gaslight) but I don’t play games either. Current boyfriend asked me early on to just spend every minute I had free for the entire weekend (not sleeping together or over). I could have played it cool and told him I had other plans and would just spend one night with him. But I really liked him and enjoyed being around him and wanted to get to know him - so no games. We spent the days together and just bonded. Had I played it cool or acted less available - he might not have felt as comfortable with me. I just went with instinct and took a risk and let myself be vulnerable (someone on my thread had recommended a ted talk about vulnerability)
That being said, I think to be successful you have to be able to recognize when the relationship is one sided. If someone’s not putting effort in- I’m not gonna pursue or make effort. I think that might be what the author is saying - but I haven’t read it. I’m naturally a bit b!tchy so I don’t need to.
