Okay, the OW/OM thing. I am terribly guilty of hating the other woman. I hated her so much that when Betsey told me that there was nothing I could do about the OW, I corrected her by saying I could tie her to the bumper of my car and ram her into the building a few times. Technically, I guess that would solve the symptom. But it wouldn’t solve the problem.
Let me say this, and it may suck and it may hurt, but I will say it anyway. If it weren’t the current OP, it would be another. The concept of “it just happened” is ridiculous. It did NOT just happen. There were reasons and feelings and pain that caused them to respond to the OP or to seek one out. Yes, the OP may be hindering the DB process and any normal human being would have jealous feelings toward the OP. It is completely natural. But that OP is not the cause, nor is s/he the cure. When you want to punch the OP into next year, just keep telling yourself that it if it wasn’t him/her, it would be someone else.
By wasting the negative anger emotions on the OP, you’re wasting time. I did it, too. I wasted a lot of time hating this woman, because it was so much easier to hate her than to hate my spouse. It was easier to convince myself that this woman (who, by the way, I have called a fair share of names in the past) was the problem rather than look at my own contributions to the situation. Those people on the “humorous” thread are still blaming the symptom. And sadly, the people on that BB where the “humor” was posted are encouraging them to do it.
Boundaries were another bafflement to me for the longest time. I’d say, “don’t be late” and H would inevitably, be late. I would say, “don’t lie to me” and H would inevitably, lie through his teeth. I’d say, “you need to contribute” and H would inevitably, do exactly what he wanted to contribute and nothing more. And I stood there going, “why won’t he let me enforce these boundaries?” and get discouraged.
Okay, the key there, as scary as it is to know you are going to piss off that spouse, is to STOP the talking and START the actions. He’s late, I leave. Period. They’ll get it. I promise. Remember the airplane? It will take off when it is scheduled to take off. It doesn’t care about traffic, or anything else. Yes, we can be more flexible, but until we get the respect along with it – we shouldn’t be! Like parenting a toddler, consistency is key. It is easy to give in once or twice, but do it and you’ve signed your own death certificate. They’ll know your weakness and capitalize on that. Believe me, with two toddlers (three if you count my H!) I’ve learned well.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
