Had to interview people at the main office and the pain awful. Struggled to form words, hands shaking, I struggled. As I drove back to my office I started to spiral and I clung to the words and the kindness of people here. I started down the path of thinking my life is over and I'm trying to fight those thoughts.
I'm behind at work again so I can only read and yes I cling to every word. I want to respond to everyone I just don't have time so here are the high notes.
Dating:
Ginger (your story saddens me) you say you were mostly single for 12 years what was that like? Did you have faith in your future? I had a problem with men which I fixed. I've already tried self medicating with 2 different men (online only) since WAH left. Almost did something I'd regret before stopping. I want my WAH back (later) but everyone is right I wasn't happy with him either. If he came back he'd just leave again. He told S19 I hadn't changed and he's right I haven't. Not yet anyway.
I'm making the conscious decision to not even think about dating until 2 years after my D is final and after I've learned to be happy on my own. If I can't be happy alone then I sure won't be happy with anyone else. I want a man to save me and make this all better. To make this pain go away. To take care of me. These aren't good reasons to date.
Kids
S19 is special needs. He's brilliant but can't make scrambled eggs, will spend 15 minutes discussing the best route to go somewhere new 15 minutes away, gets highly upset when I leave hair on the bathroom floor and when his anxiety hits he does things like has a near meltdown over a missing cord. He's high maintenance and not a typical teen. WAH leaving has made all his symptoms worse.
D17 is now suffering from depression and anxiety (new since WAH left). I've got her in counseling and she wants meds. She has stopped spending time with her friends, the light is out, sticks closely to my side and worries when I come home late from work.
D14 lives with yes my train wreck WAH. I'm trying to reach her but it's slow going.
My kids (right now) need my full attention. WAH isn't there and even when he wants to be the kids aren't interested. For now it's all me.
Depression:
Tried upping my meds and they made me feel worse. I feel better when I get off the couch its just the inertia and the feeling that my life is over that keeps me stuck hence why I post here. I feel like giving up because I believe I'm never going to feel better. Ever. 30 years. How do I recover from being dumped after 30 years?
It's been 3 weeks since I found out about the OW, 2 weeks since I filed for D. I am so grateful that the people here are sticking around to give me comfort and strength to pull it together. I had a decent night last night thanks to everyone here. Felt like I was in a fog and kinda forced but I was ok.
Today not so much....I'm always worse at work which is why my posts here are largely depressing with a suicidal idealization.
