I'm hoping for any and all advice. Where to start. I have D4, S1. Married 5 years, together 7. I suffer from anxiety and had my eyes opened recently, by learning my "Nice Guy syndrome" has returned for the past couple of years.
My anxiety seemed ok to me but flares over safety issues or during heated spousal arguments. Definitely something I needed to manage earlier in hindsight. The more I reflect, the more I see how bad I was. Up until September we seemed normal minus being a little more argumentative which I attributed to sleep loss and a number of unexpected house issues and family health concerns. In Sept, my W and I decided to put in an offered on a new house which was accepted. I ended up having a concern with mold on the property and pulled the offer. My wife said this would hurt her but I sadly did it anyway. She said to "do what I want". I regret this day.
We had a number of serious fights after, including me saying I wont change, (in that I wont stop having health concerns for the kids but I would manage my anxiety). I got in to counseling, started meds and felt great. W noticed I was improving. We had normal texts expressing love toward each other. Well, by late Sept i got the ILYBINILWY and I love you like a brother. One week later the bomb was dropped. Two days later she got cold, mean and said she never loved me, were not right for each other, ill never change, were not fixable etc. I broke just about every DB rule the first few days, expressing my love, how I'll change, how others have survived and recovered. She took a preplanned business trip to europe. During her trip, she didnt contact me or the kids once. Upon return we started splitting who gets the bedroom every other day.
About 14 days in to this, I learned by looking at texts that she contacted an ex two states over the day before she asked for D. I learned that she looked him up the day after we pulled the offer on the house. Two days in to their text history, I saw her give the date they first chatted on the phone (D Day). Three days in to chatting it looks like he dropped an ILY on her and she felt the same. She mentioned moving and taking the kids about 4 hours away. For my dignity and sake of the kids, I immediately confronted and advised I will get a lawyer. Over the next day it seemed like we had really productive chats. She said she messaged the other guy and broke it off but wouldnt show me the message due to trust violations. We agreed to counseling. All was awkward but ok up to counseling. Counseling was not good however as she said she was not willing to work on us or continue on after that session. She agreed to a one on one therapy.
Within a week I was shown an edited version of what the OM was sent as a goodbye and I received an email stating that she is sorry and wants to work on herself. I was hopeful. She showed remorse, sorrow and a willingness to improve herself as I was already. I thought my 180s may have had an effect.
She later cancelled the 1-1 and I panicked, telling her something quite hurtful. I was advised it was the worst thing anyone has ever said to her. She advised she wants to continue on the path to divorce via mediation and she was giving me time which I requested early on. I told her that her current mediation plan wont work as she knows the mediators (as suggested by my counselor). She asked me what I wanted to do as an alternative and I said IDK.
We've been in limbo since. We had a great Thanksgiving, are talking about xmas, she called me for the first time to talk about my opinion on gifts, has made some of my favorite dinners and we've smiled and laughed together.
I dont know if she is WAS or WW at this point. Do I get her xmas gifts? Should I be distancing or making her laugh and having her see my changes in person. She asks where I'm going when I leave, and tells me where she is going. As we've the two kids, I'm not sure if we are keeping the peace or on a slow recovery. What are your thoughts? I'm in so much pain over how I've made her feel, where I am now and for the kids.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
