Crying is good. You are recognizing something needs to change. And what AS said to you is so so important z
You weren’t happy in your M. You aren’t happy out of it. What makes you think that you’ll be happy in another R without working on yourself? You can not rely on someone else for your happiness. No one else is responsible for that other than you. You spend most of your time focused on others. What others have and how they live. You do that with your ex. Your kids see it.
Focus on YOU !
I’m going to tell you a very important and personal story. It’s about my mom. And the similarity of your situation to my mothers. I mean, very similar. I want you to read it and take it in and it’s not meant to make you feel bad. It’s meant to show you how you can change the ending. It’s a long story, so bare with me.
My mother was a severe bipolar depressive. Under medicated because she wouldn’t stick with a psychiatrist. She quit therapy. She went to rehab twice , first when I was 4 for her abuse of benzos. She also went to a mental health recovery facility with that. My mother then became a cocaine addict. Went to rehab and mental health facility when I was 8. She was clean of drugs for 12 years. She traded that addiction for gambling.
My dad was by her side. My dad essentially raised me. My mom most days could barely get herself out of bed unless she knew she was going to bingo or Atlantic City. She had no interest in me. My schoolwork, activities, doing anything as a family. She was there, but she wasn’t. She took no interest in my dad either. They did nothing together. We had two family vacations where we had to make sure there was a casino ( one was Las Vegas) and when it was time to come together and do something as a family, she was miserable.
Fast forward to when I was 17. My dad told my mom he was leaving. My mom suspected an affair. My dad was staying out with his coworkers. She knew who it was too. And she was right. My dad was having an affair. He would not bash my mom but as I got older he told me more. And I saw it more as I was neglected as much as he was. He was waiting for me to go to college. He waited all those years until he knew I would be out of the house. My mother spun out of control when my dad moved out. She cried all the time. I had no time to mourn my dad not being there because I had to keep my mom together. My mom made some bad friends, began using drugs again, actually got arrested for possession. My mom really resented me for still loving my dad. She threatened suicide on me a bunch of times while I was at college. I couldn’t take it anymore. I dropped out of college, got my own apartment, and went to work ( this is the time I met my ex). My mom eventually eventually went through with the suicide in a rehab facility where she ended up when she attempted suicide. She failed that one, but managed to do it in the facility. I was 21 years old. And my was gone.
Now, I don’t think you are like mom in the sense you seem like a loving involved mom. You don’t have any addictions . Which is why you have such a chance to help yourself!! My mom took the self medicating route instead of professional help. Deep inside my mother was a really loving woman. She cares about others and could make anyone laugh. But it was all a cover for the pain she was dealing with deep deep down inside. And I wanted nothing more than to make that pain better for my mom. But she had to want to do it the healthy way. But depression affected their marriage horribly. I remember my dad trying to get her to engage in anything as a family. For her to be loving towards him. He needed her to be happy with herself to be happy in that relationship. He was at wits end because nothing he did was ever enough. I don’t agree with the affair. There is no excuse for that. But I remeber how much I wanted her to be a mom and how much it must he hurt him to not have a wife.
You are never going to find what you seek if you keep looking for it outside of yourself . You need help. You need psychiatric treatment. And I could imagine you would lead the most beautiful enjoyable life without your ex or without anyone else. And it would allow the door to be open for someone to want to engage in that with you!
