Thanks PT. If I search my feelings a bit deeper, there is still care for H. I don't know if I'd call it love. Don't you need respect to feel love? While I respect his right to make these decisions, I don't respect the decisions themselves. Deep down, I do continue to cut him some slack and give him the benefit of the doubt that he is struggling with something. It's hard to tell if my feelings are sitting in reserve or simply gone... for now.
The caveat, of course, being that feelings can change, disappear, return, increase, decrease etc
Onto the good news!
My mortgage refinance was conditionally approved yesterday. I was disqualified from the first two banks due to blanket restrictions on my particular circumstance, so this is a relief. I wasn't too worried because I knew I could afford the refinance; it was just a matter of which bank would play along. So it looks like I will be walking into 2020 in a very strong position, albeit with substantially more debt after paying H his settlement money.
Next: the issue about S1.
With regards to my concerns about H's time with S1, I have decided to do nothing. I'll let the legal documents do their job and let go of my fear that S1 is being negatively affected. H spends such a short amount of time with him, a matter of hours twice a week, and I just have to trust that it doesn't matter in the long run. My job is to make sure S1 is securely attached when he's with me. I can't control what happens when he's with H. At this point, parallel parenting seems to be the best option.
One last thing. A happy GAL update.
For the last ten years I have had a cheap little $10 Christmas tree. I loved this tree and took great pleasure in decorating it each year. Well, the time has come to invest in tree 2.0. I put up the old tree and and realised it was no longer fit for purpose. So I purchased a magnificent 6ft prelit beauty which should arrive this week. I find myself drawn to greenery in this MLC process. I've hung watercolours of local flora on the walls and filled shelves with potted plants. The new tree is symbolic, I suppose, of new beginnings and growth. I can't wait to play some Christmas carols and decorate it with S1.
A favourite activity of Christmases past was to light the tree at night and turn off all the other lights in the house. Play some happy music while baking cookies and enjoying a drink, basking in the ambience of the warm twinkling lights. H would be working nights so that was my time. Ah!
