Hi. Sorry for short threadjack. Let me ask you a question. I would be more optimistic about my sitch (which you commented on last night) if he hadn't filed for divorce already. I suspect he will get to the point he wishes he had not done it (may be there already) but isn't it like admitting you "lost" to take it down? I don't know how the guy rationalizes in his mind, especially if the LB wife has made changes and appears to be okay? Could it be they won't do it because they've staked out a position and they're stuck with it or afraid the door is now closed? My H voiced that fear a few years ago.
Newbie20, perhaps your question was for LH19 or Ready2change, I’m sure they will give you great feedback to your questions.
However, let me say this...they are not thinking logically, they are thinking with emotion. When my husband declared he wanted a divorce (the first time he’s said the words this entire 2 years) it could have been because emotions were high. I won’t claim to know if he meant it or not. Only he knows that.
I think in my own sitch my husband isn’t setting out to hurt me. I think each time he hurts me he wants out more. It must be painful to see my face each day. Each day he sees my face, he’s reminded of all the pain he’s caused. So what do emotionally immature people do? They run from situations rather than try to fix the damage they’ve caused.
I can say without a shadow of doubt that my husband is extremely emotionally immature. He’s just all around immature right now. He truly is in a second adolescence. He’s got a lot of maturing and growing up to do. It’s sad to watch because he’s 46, but it is what it is.
At the end of the day those of us who think with logic and ration will never be able to understand why they do the things they do.
I may be wrong but my husband may go through with the divorce as well. I mean look at all the damage he’s caused. He’s obviously not committed to our marriage or working on himself...so why would he be committed to doing the long hard work to clean his mess up?
So my theory is that they won’t stop the divorce because they aren’t committed to the marriage or to doing the work to repair the damage caused. They also aren’t committed to looking in the mirror and fixing themselves. So what do they do? They run and jump back into another relationship. Then the cycle repeats itself. They are looking for another person to fix what they should be fixing themselves. The problem isn’t the relationship...the problem is the people in the relationship.
Lastly, I will say that the changes that you made need to be for you and not to try to win your husband back. It NEVER works. Want to know how I know? I tried it!!!!! All those things you fixed were necessary changes, but they weren’t the cause for the demise of your marriage. How do I know? Well you fixed all the things and your husband still filed for divorce, right? See it was never those things.
There are plenty of people who have problems in their marriage that don’t run to divorce court.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
