I guess the point of a lot of my recent posts is that I feel betrayed and resentful.
Completely normal. Everyone is different. My anger and resentment reared it's head very briefly. It makes an occasional reappearance every once in a while. How we all process this is unique to each one of us.
Originally Posted by Unchien
She says so little (and has said so little during the BD other than accusing me of abuse) that it's hard to tell what exactly she is struggling with.
My W is the same. I also did the same things you did in trying to understand her, get her to talk, etc. I hit critical mass in Jan/Feb, then I decided to just leave her completely alone in March. I had to figure it out on my own without her communicating, but it turned out that it is exactly what she wanted/needed.
I would suggest that your W (if she is like mine) cannot communicate her thoughts clearly to you right now. Probably because she doesn't know what she is thinking herself or why she is thinking those things.
She told you what she believed *at that moment*. That does not make those things ironclad or "forever". Rather, that was HER truth in those moments. That's the nature of the crisis - and maybe saying those things were safe ways she could distance herself from exploring the true feelings she was having.
It is much easier to justify yourself or project hurt onto someone else than it is to discover your own feelings are so out of whack. From everything I've read, the crisis seems to be like a siren blaring in your head. That must be incredibly difficult to have to go through.
Quote
But instead she said I didn't "try to win her back."
If she said this once, it was what she was feeling at that particular moment. Due to the crisis, her perspective is different than yours right now, and it is possible she may not even remember saying it.
It is for you to choose how much significance or emphasis you give this statement. It can become a focal point for all the MR issues. Or you can let it pass as something your W said in the heat of the moment when she was suffering greatly. It is all up to you.
Originally Posted by Unchien
I see my W as someone completely lacking in basic relationship skills. And worse... as someone completely uninterested in working on her relationship skills, or accepting her role in the erosion of our MR.
We are not at this place out of blind innocence, as if she just didn't know what she wanted but she was unhappy and now here we are. She wanted the D, but she didn't want the guilt involved with asking for it. It does make me angry.
Textbook WAS behavior. My W was the same. She wanted S, D, selling the house, without anything else changing. It took a rude awakening from me - kindly but firmly setting boundaries and stating that I would not be paying for half of non-joint bills, that I had no money for (or interest in) renovating a house that would be sold, and that the amount the house would sell for would not be nearly as much as she was thinking - for her to pause and reflect. She is still at that stage now.
A few suggestions: I might perhaps recommend re-reading this post and see how much you are still talking about W and how she is feeling. That is an area you can work on.
I might also recommend that you take care in assigning any of your W's past actions/feelings/emotions/words to any particular cause for MR troubles. While analyzing what happened may help you to understand how you got where you are today, I am fairly certain your W is not thinking those same things right now.
Quote
I know.. it's a sign I am still attached... sigh...
Nobody is perfect, U. I screw up a lot too. I stumble, I fall, I let my thoughts overwhelm me. It's human nature. The trick is to realize you're doing it and to reassess.
Don't beat yourself up too much. You're doing great - you're growing stronger every day and you're doing the hard work.
