Not willing to quit

[Turbine]

IHCLACS, no way to show improvements or to make changes. Yeah sounds like me too.

So I was at the house this morning. She was so very reluctant to let me in much less go though stuff at the house. Wasn't the smoothest of interactions today.

I am so frustrated by the her words vs her actions. She is adamant about the D. She seems adamant about me being some sort of monster that can't change.

She is so very awesome and such a huge part of my life. I would so very much like her to remain in my life... as my wife. Let go... still having a hard time with that. I was so put off by this morning. Yet by late afternoon I was right back where I had been before the stop at the house. Wanting her, missing her.

Church meeting this morning for married couples. Our minister is encouraging me to attend. Along with other church functions. One of the activities within the couples group is a raffle. Usually candy or some minor thing. Being a primarily Filipino church there are bottle of soy sauce and vinegar (wine bottle size... so 20 oz or slightly more). Last drawing is a nice gift. This one was a facial. Yes, I had the winning ticket. Not everyone knows about the filed D. So a few jokes about my using it. Suggestions to give my wife. A few ladies volunteered to accept it for me. So I still have it. I doubt my wife would accept it from me. So do I give it to my younger daughter? My daughter in law? Sister in law or my niece? The minister to give his wife?

I would like to give it to my wife. I would like to have a chance to rebuild a life with her. So I am stuck like a scratched record on a old turntable. Repeating the same line ad nauseam. It seems I value her more than she values me, I understand I didn't encourage that feeling towards her. I have it. I want to hold her hand. Hear her laugh and sing. Smell her cooking whatever... okay maybe not the dried fish.

This just feels so wrong. I might have said this before. When my parents died, the lawyer suggested the two of us move into their place to down size. When it was suggested the house was a mess. Filled with stuff,needing paint and the floors refinished or carpet replaced. W said no. After the painting was done, the floors refinished and the house staged with all the stuff removed, the house was listed. She changed her mind.

Can I see that happening. Maybe. Lots of divorcees regret the divorce later. Again... maybe, I would like to skip that step though.

I am tired of being a "nice guy". I want to be a good man. Her man.