Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Gerda]

Friends, in addition to venting about the MIL, I really was just asking what kinds of strategies, scenarios/rules people have about visitation with in-laws, and if it was more strategic to try to work something out with her myself rather than tell her to work it out during H's time with the kids when I would have even less ability to protect. I figured that some folks on here would have some experience with that. I know Hamburg and SBJ have a good relationship with in-laws, jealous of that!

Until MIL's letter last summer, I thought we'd just go on as we have been for the past six years, where I usually took the kids to see the in-laws without H. I knew it would be more awkward post divorce but I also know it's the only way MIL will ever see S14 and I planned to keep my relationship with MIL friendly as it always was even after we stopped being close post BD. I had one aunt who stayed in our family after divorcing my uncle; they would just both be there on holidays.

Job, your example of a letter was really helpful. Thank you!

And Job and DnJ and whomever else, I appreciate the intention behind your 2 x 4's. It was interesting to notice how your perception of me affected my mood! I went through the seven stages of grief, I think! : ) I think it's really hard to really show our real selves here, but I don't think I realized how much. Definitely the self I show here is my most weak and fearful self -- I mostly come here when I am sniveling. People who know me IRL would be shocked to meet that side of me. I am considered an extremely tough and fearless lady IRL, often to the point of being intimidating. One of my jobs is in a men's prison! So your comments about me being a mouse, etc., actually made me laugh at first. But it is true that H and MIL trigger me and I regress big time, back to the girl with the MLC mom. In the book I am reading about surviving narcissistic abuse, the author writes about a "white-hot" fear of being in trouble, etc. I definitely get that visceral response with H and MIL. In fact, H texted me today to remind me that the court "commanded" me to pay him before midnight and my whole body lit up with fear when I saw it, before I talked myself down from that bodily response. So it's definitely a wound I need to heal and I will think about what you said a lot on that journey. Thank you for all the time and care you took in replying to me!

I would still love to hear how some other folks are handling the visitation with the in-laws.