Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

I like that you are looking into yourself; communication styles and such. And how open you are to listening and accepting suggestions.

Growth hurts. As we push out of a comfortable place and look to our less effective traits it can sting. That is a good signpost that one is on a worthwhile path.

To some degree, isn't the same surrender required here as with the MLC spouse? Why do you think I will be able to get any respect from her, and why should I even try? Isn't it just about the boundary and sticking to it?

A degree of surrender is required in many (maybe even all) situations when dealing with others. However, surrender may not be what you think.

It is control, and what and who you can control, and what and who you cannot. Surrender is not “I can’t control them, so they get to do whatever they want”. Surrender is “I can’t control them. I respect their right to choose. And I respect and exercise my right to choose”.

Why do I think you will be able to get any respect from MIL? Because you are worthy of respect.

A few thing on this point. Respect is earned, not giving. People will treat you as you let them, and respect you as you let them. You can see how boundaries get tied into this as well, in the way you allow treatment towards you.

Also one’s self respect and integrity must be present and strong. Other people will see it, will sense it, or the lack of it, and almost unconsciously behave accordingly.

Boundaries are for you. They are for one’s healing and preventing further determent to one’s emotional self. Not to be confused with a response to someone.

At first boundaries and responses appear very similar, and indeed they are in affect. The difference is the premeditation of conviction of which you will be following. A boundary is a wall from unwanted attack. It is your predetermined action that you will take when certain stimulus happens. A key component of a boundary is communicating it to the other party. That doesn’t necessarily mean with words, although that is the usual; a consistent application of a boundary to a specific stimulus will get the message across as well, just less efficiently. Effectiveness however only comes from the consistent actions.

A response can tap into one’s convictions as well. You can apply your values and worth in a response without “much” premeditation. It is just a response, and still in your control. The big thing is you are not needing protection. You are not being repeatedly attacked. It’s just a response without the wall.

For me, my boundaries are like my indifference - with compassion. Compassionate indifference. Compassionate boundaries.

The more one heals the more one can bring the wall of their boundaries down. Remember the difference between boundary and response - it’s from within you. The effect is almost the same, it’s the source that is modified.

Boundaries really start as a mechanism to build our shattered self respect. To realize our worth and stand back up. Once healed boundaries become belief. One knows, feels, and believes in their worth and value; and no one can take that away!

Isn’t it just about boundaries and sticking to it? Yes, for a while.

Once you are strong, stable, secure, healed that wall is not the same wall anymore. I really hope I am getting the idea of the importance of compassion here. As you heal, that wall becomes a more permanent fixture in your life.

At first it may be built with hurt, anger, and vengeance; the wall being a much needed defence against attack. As you progress choose better not bitter, and rebuild that preliminary wall, that starter boundary. This is all part of finding, altering, strengthening, and following one’s beliefs. Build with you in mind, both for now and for the wanted future. Compassion always seemed to be one of the good materials to rebuild my life with - it is very strong and flexible.

In the specific case of your MIL, you can let the wall down a bit and see what happens. She hasn’t been slamming against a boundary for quite some time, and you are well healed to have a self-controlled conversation with her.

Not sure anything I do can change that, just like with H. Even the most loving and well-intentioned action/word on my part is misinterpreted generally. But yes, I will keep trying to just be a light, even if MIL can't see it.

Be a light. Not try. Be the light. Believe it.

To be clear nothing you do can change MIL, just like H. Nothing and everything matters.

MIL, only she change herself. You can influence. And your influence affects her, and more importantly it affects you and your kids.

... can you give me one of your scripts? What can I say to her that I haven't already tried?

I really like the letter job has suggested.

Your first few communications with MIL are going to be mostly one way, I’m guessing. The letter is short, stays on point, is friendly, opens the door, and places the ball in her court. A very good example of the soft gentle approach. You can only control you. It would then be up to MIL to respond properly as requested. Depending on what happens a follow up may be required - responses or boundaries - it depends on MIL a little bit.

I think I’ll pause here. My kids are rising from their slumber.

I hope you are having a good day.

DnJ